Hi LiveLaughLove
I felt like you do for a long time too.
Things got worse until I nearly died from my drinking - thats
really terrifying - much worse than the fear I felt of change.
Being desperate not to die really makes you sort out your priorities in a hurry.
I m not suggesting of course that you follow my lead in that respect - I think you can find acceptance at a much 'higher bottom' than I did
SR was very helpful to me in realising that there was a good life after drinking and that there were genuinely happy non drinkers around - much more happy and at peace than I was a drinker.
I wanted some of that
Not drinking reconnected me with the real me, a me I'd forgotten about.
That's a really good reason for anyone to quit and stay quit.
If drinking is causing you or your loved ones pain that's another good logical reason to quit and stay quit.
Remaining 'disciplined with recovery' takes some work sure but no more work that it takes to keep all your balls in the air as a hard drinker.
Eventually it becomes like breathing,
I don't think about breathing at all until I have an asthma attack - then I have a range of things to do to get through out of that breathless situation.
It's the same with drinking thoughts or cravings - the vast majority of the time they're simply not present - but when or if I have them I have a range of things I can do to deal with them and they die away and I get on with life.
Everyone wishes they were taller smarter more witty or more attractive, but most of us come to terms with who we are.
I'm a man whose relationship with alcohol was always toxic. Remove that toxicity and things get a lot better
D