You made plenty of sense. I’m sorry recovery feels like or IS so much work for you. My strength in spirituality isn’t linear I have found. I go through phases where I feel so connected and then times when I feel so lost, even sober. I don’t do AA but I am always involved in self improvement. Therapy, Reiki and now a class on awakening. It IS hard but I really just think this is life in general. We have to sort and sift and and forgive and hope to forget things and learn to love like we did when we were children. Maybe if you thought about it as a struggle for the modern human rather than just the struggle for the alcoholic, it wouldn’t feel so heavy. Life is hard! But self improvement and discovery is priceless. And we both know that drinking cannot help the process.
I think in time you will feel better about all of this. I don’t know when but I have a feeling it won’t always be so fueled with anger. Give yourself permission to feel this way, knowing it won’t last forever.