Had a bit of a, um, call it an epiphany? Dunno.
So, yesterday I described that my AV tends to use images to assault me. It projects me into future situations - drinking at a pool bar at a resort in Mexico, drinking with the guys at work in the shop after a summer team meeting - you know, that stuff. And I always have a moment like I'm missing something. But there's other emotion to it too - something I couldn't put my finger on until today.
Emptiness. Despite the allure, I feel the emptiness of it. It's paper thin. Not real. No depth. Void.
Made me realize - as I ramp up my attention to my sobriety - that I'm going to have to replace those types of things. Those "this is the type of day/ occasion/ reason I would drink" thoughts.
Like, I need to - in a few days when I actually have a place to sleep in the new pad - get out and explore some things. Find a yoga studio. Maybe some other type of out like that. And I can't let myself run from it the first uncomfortable moment.
I was thinking again today of the drinking at the resort thing. I love going to Mexico. I love the sun and the ocean and all that. I'm a beach bum at heart. I could lazily lay in the sun all day everyday and just roast. But today I pictured myself getting up just before sunrise, enjoying a fresh brewed espresso or dark roasted coffee in the stillness of the morning. Walking down a beach as the sun rises or maybe even learning some yoga or tai chi or something. You know - right out of the karate kid.
I know it kinda sounds cheesy. But why not me? Those are the things I think I would enjoy far more than the crap that comes with booze - and those are the things my AV and addictive nature always shoves into some corner of my mind that I can't see when I'm thinking about alcohol. It's like it puts blinders on me. Why shouldn't I find peace? Who says it can't be done?
I'm going to have to work at that. I want to.
-B