I've been there too.
I felt desperate sometimes to get out from between that rock and the hard place.
I knew that wasn't the answer but it 's horrible to feel so trapped for such a long time. The fear is horrible. The worry is horrible. The unknown is horrible. It's also lonely. We can't just keep telling family and friends the same thing over and over for years. Letting go is not easy when it's your child.
There are so many of us. You are not alone and we can get through this and learn healthier ways of coping. I always found it took me time to get my footing back after a break from my son using. Gather up your tools and find your footing again.