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Old 04-09-2018, 09:34 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
MindfulMan
No Dogma Please
 
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
I didn't want to negotiate with alcohol any more. Any "moderate" drinking would be a constant negotiation and struggle. What's fun or enjoyable about THAT?

I came to the "never" gradually. I started in rehab with "I just need to get through detox, then I'll be fine. Doc says I should stay the full 30 days, that should be enough."

Rehab was 12 Step based, and as I had never tried to quit before, it was all new. Step 1 just kinda happened. As I looked at my life I had to admit it WASN'T a mostly sober time with a few spikes of drug use and drinking....more like years of using with a few stretches of sobriety, which would happen after a particularly nasty self-detox or consequence. At the time, I WAS powerless over alcohol and drugs. As I'd woken up in a room wondering when I'd installed sprinklers in the ceiling and had no idea where I was and only vague memories of how I got there, they had me there. My life was pretty unfreakingmanageable. Step 1 is like being at a mall and realizing that you are at the "You Are Here" dot.

I didn't really take to 12 Step, but as I was there for 30 days (and stayed an extra week) and the facility was 12 Step based, it was kind of unavoidable. I went from saying 30 days to 90 days to 6 months to a year. Gradually a switch just kinda flipped. I realized I was no longer a drinker. Period. Alcohol was off the table, and so were coke, benzos, and any other garbage I'd put in my head.

I never made a Big Plan, again it just sort of happened.

There was a young woman, about 22, stunningly gorgeous in my 2nd (outpatient) rehab, which was CBT based. Initially in outpatient she'd sneak into the bathroom and smoke meth. This was before I got there. She went back into inpatient where a "switch just flipped." She was also bipolar, and extremely damaged. Sexual abuse from her father and uncles, a narcissistic mother who took her to Vegas on her 18th birthday and bought her an 8 ball. She got VERY into NA/AA/CA and talked about it constantly. Told me if I really wanted to stay sober I should commit to the steps and a sponsor. She was the shining star of the group, and EVERYONE said as she approached graduation that she spoke the truth and was going to be better than OK. After her graduation ceremony, everyone was commenting on how much progress she had made and how she was going to kick the world's ass. I very quietly said "She will relapse and fall hard within 2 weeks." They all were aghast. I was a horrible person.

About two weeks later they found her passed out in a park after she'd disappeared from her sober living for 3 days, stoned on meth, coke, vodka and acid.

Never does work. Unlike many here, I think 12 Step recovery works for some. It worked for me in early sobriety until I could get into my CBT group, after that "never" has so far been good.
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