freshstart57

XXXXXX,
I think I want to talk with you about my sobriety. While you believe you know how I feel about ZZ (I am not sure that this is true, but we can save that for another day), I get the feeling from some things you have said that you are not clear on AVRT and why / how I am sober. I don't think you understand how it works. That is what I want to explain.

I got sober by taking responsibility for my drinking. I made a plan in my mind to never drink again and to never change my mind. Any thought that contradicted that plan did not come from me. It came from my Addictive Voice, the voice of the part of me that loves to get hammered. That part of me would have me drink until I lost my job, my marriage, my family, my home, and finally my life. It was taking everything I love away from me bit by bit, day by day.

I knew that I had a bad drinking problem, and of course, I paid attention whenever the topic of alcoholism came up. These are some of the thoughts that were running through my mind before I stopped:
*I can't quit drinking 'just like that'.
*I am out of control and helpless
*I am scared to death of quitting drinking. How could I possibly survive without alcohol?
*If I could quit or control my drinking, I would have done it long before this
*If I could quit, I certainly can't quit now.
*It's genetic, look at my father and my uncles. No wonder I drink.
*I can never do this on my own.
*I have a disease which will get worse and worse.
*Even if I quit for a little while, I will relapse time after time.
*I will never 'recover' from alcoholism
*I will always be in danger of losing control and drinking.
*I will need to be constantly on guard.
*I will need divine help to stop, and the most I can ever hope for is to quit for one day at a time.
*I am a worthless POS, and I need to drink to numb this thought or I will lose my mind.

To all of these thoughts I finally called BS, I refused to accept that I was powerless, that I could not be responsible and stop this. I felt that way, and still do, because I believe that I make my own breaks, that I control my life, not some substance. You have seen my determination to succeed in action before, I know. I was determined to succeed at this. Even if nobody in the history of the whole world had ever quit drinking (baloney, people have been getting dependent on alcohol and quitting since wine was discovered 4000 years ago) I was going to be one of them and quit, come hell or high water. No more drunken crap in my life ever again.

So, I stopped drinking that morning of August 22 with my parents and my family there. I remember it was at 9:30 in the morning. After that moment, any time the urge came to drink, I pretended it came from that old gf who lied and cheated and made me look like a fool time after time, just like alcohol. She made me feel sick and miserable and worthless, just like alcohol. I would never ever get involved in any way with her ever again, not for any reason. That mental association made it easier to turn away from the urge, confident in my resolve for the life I knew I could have.

What I was doing was recognizing urges, and imagining that they came from someplace that wasn't me, that wasn't part of the thinking loving caring hoping dreaming part of me, it was part of my animal brain, my lizard brain, whatever you want to call it, the part of me that loved the pleasure of drinking, the taste, the buzz, the numbness, the euphoria and the rest. I was recognizing my Addictive Voice, and separating myself from it.

Then, through SR, I adjusted my thinking a little through exposure to AVRT and RR, and learned about making a 'big plan', which is nothing more than a line in the sand - a commitment that I will never drink again and I will never change mind. This line pushes all those drinking related thoughts, any thought that might jeopardize my sobriety, across that line in the sand into the territory of the AV, and I know how to handle thoughts there.

So, to emphasize, any idea of ever drinking again, or of failing to keep to my plan, or of needing anything to help me stay sober, or someday doing 'some research' is my AV. I will never drink again, no matter how angry I am, how depressed, how hurt , how lonely, depressed, anxious, you name it. Never. No head space or attitude or event or anything will make me drink because, the thought that it might make me drink is not me, not true, not real and I don't have to listen to it, I will never listen to it, it is my addictive voice. My resistance to my AV is iron clad, it is bullet proof. This is AVRT and Rational Recovery in a nutshell.

Now, to speak to some of the ideas we have talked about over the last few days concerning my sobriety.

Here is why I feel uncomfortable to label myself an alcoholic:
An alcoholic in my mind is someone who drinks, who is dependent on alcohol, who is addicted to alcohol, and even if they are sober for today, could drink again at any moment, out of control. They need to do certain things to remain abstinent. I am not any of these things, nor will I ever be any of these things.
If the definition above is true, calling myself an alcoholic means that I might drink again someday. This is my AV talking, not me, and I don't listen to my AV, that jerk. POS will kill me if I do, I know it.
I used to be dependent on alcohol, I used to be addicted to alcohol, but not now, nor ever again.

My 'obsession was not lifted', as you said. That sounds like something somehow happened to me. Nope, not at all. I quit, I did it. Me. I am in charge of this whole deal.

Here is why I don't consider my alcoholism a disease like cancer that might come back unless I take chemo, as you suggested:
If it is a disease, and if there is 'no known cure' for it, then I might drink again some day. AV.
If it is a disease, and if I am powerless over it, then I might drink again some day. AV again.
Since my alcoholism is not a disease, at least not to me, and can't be compared to diabetes or cancer or schizophrenia, the question Am I cured does not make sense. What does make sense is the fact that I will never drink again and I will never change my mind. There is a difference in my mind.

Am I recovered? Or as you asked me, am I fully recovered (how could I be partly recovered)? Again, in light of this, it is a hard question to answer because it doesn't make sense. The only answer is I don't drink. Is an ex-smoker, someone who will never smoke again, 'in recovery' from nicotine addiction? They just don't smoke, that's it. I think that my alcohol addiction is the same.

What do I do for my recovery, as you asked me, what daily routine do I have? This question implies that I need to do something, and if I don't do it, i.e. if I don't take my insulin or chemotherapy, I will start drinking again. If I get into a bad head space, I will drink again. Remember, this idea is pure AV. My sobriety does not depend on anything at all and the idea that it does depend on a certain condition is, you guessed it, my AV again. I have chosen not to drink ever again and will never change my mind.

OK, I need this also to be very clear. I am talking about only my sobriety. Mine. Not anyone else's sobriety, especially not yours. I am not criticizing anyone who does not think as I do about their own sobriety as I do about mine. I have no right to do that. I know that there are many ways to get to sober, and this one is mine.

Here is what I am asking of you, XXXXX. I am asking you to accept that what I have described above is real, and true, to accept this as fact, just like the sun rises. I am asking you to accept that this is true and real for me. I have decided that I have the power to believe this 'mind trick' as true, and I hold this belief very very strongly simply because my sobriety and my life depend on it. This belief allows me to be sober, and sober for good, no matter what ever might happen, however I might feel.

I hope you understand a little more about my sobriety, and thanks for listening to me.