My husband detoxed for the first time three months ago, he drank last week on Friday night after 75 days of sobriety. Dandylion here suggested I read a book about codependancy in January, so I bought two books and read them. I've looked into this before and made some big steps over the years, so I read them again and did lots of other things to help me. And then this week, I REALLY read melody beaton's codependent no more. I wrote down my traits... I don't have them all but Its an eye opener to see. I can see now with clarity that even though I seem smart, successful and even independent and detached at times, every minute of the day (and night) I'm putting other people before me. I can think of so many examples just from today where I caught myself. Even just thoughts I have that I caught. I think I'm even glad he drank on Friday so that I can see it. I've made some wonderful brave choices in the past etc etc, but today I really see myself more clearly than ever before. It's still too dull, and I have a lot of work. I think my issue is so profound, I can only think about working on me.
Really. Even the most innocent thing like asking him if he wants to go to the park is laced with ulterior motives in my mind (I hope he says yes because it might be good for him to get out, or, we need to spend some time together for our relationship, or, maybe we'll start doing this every week and he'll want to walk In the park more than drinking and it will prevent another relapse) Its exhausting. Every decision I make has more to do with having at least an added benefit of helping him, or not upsetting him. I challenge you, like I am challenging myself at this time every single day, to make every decision you make a decision you want to make for you, with no extra benefit for someone else, or ulterior motive. I also challenge myself to pick the restaurant the next time someone says, "you pick the restaurant." I have work ahead of me.