BonBon, just a note to let you know I am still sending prayers and love your way.
I heard this one liner on an al-anon speakers tape from a mother who lossed 3 or 4 sons to the disease of alcoholism and drugs. I hope it will help you.
"God didn't take your ex, he recieved him."
The one thing within our power to change even with a death is our attidude about it and what happened. In my Higher Power's world there are no mistakes, only situations and questions. I can't see the whole road map only my path for today.
Praying your path for today is peaceful.