Well of course you feel sh*tty, the whole situation sucks but it isn't you who chose to continue drinking in spite of evidence that it was harming your life and your loved ones.
I can get really sucked in when I feel pity. The hard thing to remember with As is that, unlike other illnesses, providing a home and all the comforts therein when they have proven to us over and over that they will continue drinking, does not actually help them and in fact has been proven to prolong their alcohol abuse and aid and abet their further demise.
You said it best:
I'm not doing this again. The kids aren't doing this again. We thought you were dead/going to die. In my head, I'd started "writing" her eulogy. I was pissed off; I cried; I was going through the stages of grieving and loss.
I don't even want to talk about "us" until she has, at least, 1 year of no relapse recovery under her belt.
Sounds good. And it even has an actionable goal: I'll talk to you about "us" when you are sober and recovered 12 months solid.
It is just so freakin hard. We hurt them when we try to help them, whether it is actual help (the non-enabling kind) or the wrong kind of help (one more chance at enabling!). We feel we are hurting them because we apply the normal bounds of love and friendship, and sometimes we have to do things that seem out of those bounds. Just recall: Alcoholism does not play by those rules.
Peace,
B.