Originally Posted by bonbon
I for the most part have tried to keep the thoughts out of my head that if I only had helped him when he asked, if I only gave him a lift to get job applications. He maybe would have gotten his head on a little bit better and gotten a job. Maybe wouldnt have been at that get together.
I love him, always have. always will. Right now you guys I just cant believe hes gone. I feel like I was mean to him. But I know he knew deep down why I was. Where my anger and pain came from.
Bonbon,
My deepest sincerest condolence to you, your daughter and all who love this man you speak about ...
I know deep down in your heart you know that there was nothing you could have done for him (that you hadn't already tried over and over with no success) but when things of this nature happen we tend to look back and see all the what if's, if only's, maybe if's, I could have's, I should have's and then maybe He would of ... It wasn't your battle ... It was his ... and you were not the one that needed to fight ... He was ... More than likely if you had given him a lift to get apps for a job and say he did get the job (if he wasn't clean) he would have just used the money to purchase more of his drug(s) of choice or the job would have fallen prey to his addiction.
I completely understand your thoughts because I had the very same ones dancing around in my own mind when I found out that my husband lost his life to his methamphetamine addiction, he was also a alcoholic and a hardcore pot smoker (we were separated because of his addiction) ...
He died a year ago today, but I didn't find out until Feb 9th of this year because we live in different states and the authorities didn't know he had a wife and three children. Our oldest daughter was living in Colorado at the time of his death and she was the one that the authorities contacted and told her .. she called me and told me .. I will never forget her words: "Mom, Dad died" I can remember the horrible feeling that took over my entire body ... and when I found out that his addiction was the culprit it about killed me ... This was the very thing that when we were together that I tried to keep from happening ... and once we separated I never stopped hoping that someday he would overcome ... and now there I was hearing that all hope of that ever happening was now all gone ... and talk about the heartbreak you feel in your heart to hear of such a senseless death ... one that could have been prevented 'if only' he had wanted recovery more than he wanted meth.
It broke my heart to know that the chance for my kids to get to know their father was gone ... I had hoped that oneday they would get to meet him face to face and on that day they would either embrace him with love or confront him with how because of his addiction and his absence in their lives affected them ... That will can never happen now.
To know that there will be no more calls from him, no more popping up out of nowhere, no more chances for him to have a decent life shattered my heart.
We all know only to well that living life as an addict and or alcoholic isn't any kind of life at all ... and maybe the healing that we hoped for them didn't come to pass while they were here on this earth ... so God called them home and healed them upon arrival ... They are free now ... no more pain, no more suffering ... a divine healing through and through ... and now they are with the Father in Heaven and on the day the Lord calls us home .. We will see them again ...
Last breath on earth ... First breath with our Lord.
May God Comfort you and your little girl
You both will be in my prayers,
Passion