ETA: Wow this is so long I am so sorry. I even left stuff out
I have been lurking here for a while--and I have appreciated reading all the advice people have given. I wanted to say hello and give a little of my backstory--and ask for some advice.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for almost 4. We have a 2.5 year old son. We met in our 20's so we drank together on the weekends--nothing really ever excessive. There were a couple of times during our relationship that he set off my "spidey senses" in regards to alcoholism (both my parents are alcoholics). But nothing consistent or extreme enough to warrant any action on my part. I caught him sneaking a shot a few times when company was over.
It wasn't until our son was born that things started to go downhill, I guess. He would go out of town for work--then would have to stay an extra day or two because he was drunk/hung over and couldn't get on a plane. This made me furious, and he always apologized and promised to not do it again, etc. He went on antidepressants as an attempt to appease me and fix whatever problem he thought he had.
A few months later he came down with a stomach virus. I was busy taking care of a small child so I honestly just let him hole up in the guest room and checked in on him every once and a while (mostly by text). He sent me pictures of his temperature on the thermometer--told me he went to the doctor who confirmed he had a virus--told me the results of his tests at the doctor. By day 5 of this stomach virus, his mom and I were both nervous for his health and wanted him to go get an IV if he was still throwing up. His door was locked, I opened it with a screwdriver, and there was a large bottle of vodka on the bathroom counter. You can kind of guess the rest--he wasn't ever sick. It was an elaborate lie the entire time. Long story short, his mother and I called 911 because we couldnt physically remove him, he went to the hospital and forced into a rehab facility due to the doctor being afraid he was trying to kill himself. I guess his BAC was that high.
Since then he has been seeing a therapist once a week or so. I have also been going to talk to the same therapist every 2-3 weeks. He has not been going to AA. He did have a "slip up" once when he was on a work trip, but other than that I do not think he has drank in about 8 months.
Even though he wasn't drinking 24/7 before he quit, he has seemed to be going through all the early recovery symptoms I see mentioned. He seems very confused still--not really able to process his emotions--still very selfish. He is like a teenager, 100%. Our marriage has honestly been worse since he stopped drinking. I have felt like I am very unwanted around the home. I feel like the weird kid no one invited to the party when I walk into a room.
I obviously lost a ton of trust in him when the incident with the "stomach flu" happened---and I've been trying to build it up again since then. I have been working with the therapist to try to be a better wife/partner... expressing my emotions better, complimenting him more, etc. I was actually pretty proud of myself and what I was accomplishing.
Then a few weeks ago, to make a long story short, I found out that--since November--he has been taking adderall and xanax (w prescriptions) and smoking cigarettes. I also found a ton of sleeping pills. He had been sneaking around doing all these things. To the extent that I also found spy cameras placed throughout the house so he could see where I was and what I was doing. If he had come to me as he started these things, we could have had a discussion about them,but the fact that he was sneaking around with SO MUCH EFFORT. My entire trust was decimated. I think he abuses the adderally occasionally, and doesn't need it in the first place. I feel uncomfortable looking at his eyes sometimes because they seem strung out/messed up. I even told the therapist months ago I thought that my husband was on cocaine.
And then the detaching started. And since I have started to detach myself from our relationship, I have noticed some things that make me think I need to get out. For example, the end of last year I brought up to him that I felt unwanted around the house--and his response was something like "You have a problem? I honestly thought you were going to compliment be on how great I've been! I am giving all that I possibly can to this relationship, so if you have a problem, it's your fault and you need to work on yourself and go to a new therapist, etc." He was sneaking around when he said this crap to me!! Somehow when I bring anything up, it ends up being my fault. Somehow I'm always the crazy one. I realize he is probably a huge reason I do not trust my own thoughts/judgements/etc anymore. He even mentioned to the therapist that he was sneaking around because he "had to". He says all his anxiety is related to me and it's all my fault.
So since I found out about the sneaking around, I have been asking him what HE wants out of this relationship, because I was on the fence of staying or leaving and I wasn't going to stay if he didn't want me around. He eventually told me that he wanted to split up for 6 months so he could be alone and work on his stuff. I agreed to this--I am interested in seeing how I change without his influence.
The problem is--we can't afford another place right now, so someone has to move in with his parents (~5 min away). Is it weird if I am the one who moves in with his parents? We are going to list our house to sell in May, and it might take up to a year to sell. At that point we could either move back in together or go our separate ways. We lived with his parents for about 2 years while our house was being built, so I know what it would be like.
The negatives are that: I would have to share a bedroom with my 2 year old, I wouldn't have a full kitchen (I could use the one in the house if I needed to, but this is like a mother-in-law apt with minimal stuff), somewhat reduced privacy. The positives are that: I have support from his parents with our son, I have people to talk to, I don't have to maintain/clean a 3BR house by myself. I wouldn't have to live in a house while it was for sale (w a child that goes to bed at 6:30!) I also have developed a sort of irrational annoyance at our house right now, because I have devoted so much energy and effort into making it a cozy home, and it's just full of bad memories.
If my husband truly wants to be alone to work on his crap, then being around his parents is the exact opposite of what he needs. Before he started blaming all his anxiety on me, he blamed it on his parents. I am somewhat curious to see what happens when he has nothing else to blame his stress/anxiety on but himself.
It would be a lot easier logistically for me to stay in the home and have him move. But I don't know. I need some advice! I am worried about the impact of moving on my 2 year old, but he is at his grandparents house every day after school and loves it there. It has more to offer a small child in terms of outdoor play space and fun animals to look at. And it's just temporary--but could be for up to a year or so.
I am terrified of being a single mother, even though my husband says he wants to help out whenever he can. I feel like I do a lot of it myself anyway--he travels quite a bit and goes to bed in the guestroom at around 6PM every evening. I am thankful that I have a good job and can financially support myself and provide a good life for my son regardless of whether or not I have help from my husband. I am just worried that he's being screwed up emotionally, or is going to be screwed up.
The other day I asked my husband if he was excited to be alone. He said yes--that earlier that day he went to get a 90 min massage and was really relaxed afterward. Until he pulled into our driveway and thought about seeing me. What a charmer!