Ren,
To me...your post reads like a cry for help. I loved it. It is ok to hurt.
I hurt too.
For me....I say the same thing all the time sometimes.
Booze has damaged my brain. Some parts of my brain that were designed to give me happiness have died. They are gone forever.
My miraculous brain has rewired and I am beginning to find natural happiness again. I work out 4 to 7 days a week. Been doing that since before I quit drinking. I get all the benefits.
3 days clean for me was like a fish out of water. I was gasping for life. I suffered horribly for months. I had agoraphobic issues followed by ptsd.
The suffering hardened me. I learned to live without booze.
Wanting to quit is half the battle won for me. The rest is education and suffering.
I know a relapse will destroy my new life. I will change from the success statistic to the failure one.
Not happening! I will fight for my life.
Drinking was a learned behavior. I have unlearned it.
Hope this helps you.
Thanks.