FireSprite

This is a serious post but I have to stop & giggle at the term FOO FOG... I mean, c'mon.....

Long vent ahead... I've posted about this before but included a lot of the same info here so no one has to read back through my old posts.


I've been pretty LC (limited contact) with my small FOO (1 sister & our mother) for the last couple of years and while they don't really "get it", it's been a lifesaver for me in terms of keeping our relationships from dissolving further. They are both highly toxic in their codependency but neither is receptive to change- or, more accurately, both insist that they're just "fine" & that they HAVE fixed their damages, Thank You Very Much.

I've learned that disengaging is a lot easier than feeling this on a regular basis --->

It also allows me to spend my energy & time on DD & her needs. Especially since I've essentially been a single parent for most of her life, even when my husband is in the picture. He's her friend, but he does not parent.

Quick History - Mom has significant sexual abuse in her childhood & she has tolerated far too much in every possible way in almost every relationship in her life. When I began my recovery 7 yrs ago, she was the one that pushed back more than anyone else in my world & all but demanded that I go back to my old ways to fit her needs. (I'm completely serious - she summoned me & Sis to her house to read me the riot act about my "behavior" and informed me that it was "Time to come to Jesus" with her red-faced, angry demands that I agree to play solidly by her rules & her rules alone.)

My sister was all for my changes UNTIL she understood them to be permanent & took them personally & informed me that one day maybe I'll "stop being so angry about it all " & things can return to "normal". A few months ago, DD & I spent a couple of days with Sis & her family & Holy Crow - is her Codie Flag waving HIGH. Even DD recognized it & asked to be removed from the situation; it made her extremely uncomfortable.

Mom did not come out about her abuse until about 3 yrs ago, so that was brand new information that explained A LOT of my childhood.... a lot of what I was lumping into the category of ACoA damage due to my addict father really belonged more on her side of things. I didn't just find the missing piece, when I slid it into place the world went from B&W to full color. I had to go back through my childhood ~again~ to sift & sort & clarify, but it made a LOT more sense when I did.

In the meantime, like I said, no growth for mom or sis & that's ok - they walk their path, I walk mine. I accept them for who they are & know that LC is healthy for me regardless of their opinions. The reality is that they do not accept ME - they keep acting as though I'm going through something temporary, they make zero effort to know Me -who I am at the core of my Self. They make no effort to be involved with DD's life - all her successes with her scholarship & her High School auditions have gone completely unnoticed.... which is an unfortunate, yet undeniable, way of measuring their investment & interest in our lives. None of this has anything to do with my husband either - my mom adores & accepts him just fine. She understands & accepts his brokenness, but not my strength.

Mom has now spent nearly 6 decades internalizing her damages & it has manifested in a slew of physical ailments that are seemingly unrelated - from her vision to her neurology, from her blood to her bones - there is something major wrong in every one of her physical systems & she is now labelled as Disabled. She has turned deaf over the years to my suggestions that she develop a long-term plan which is important for NO other reason than that she is so young yet. (early 60's) Neither she nor my sister found this valuable but over this last year Sis has gotten a Real Understanding of what I've been trying to say & yet, like clockwork, with every real solution she provides, mom continues to slide into negative space & nothing ever gets any better.

As expected, when my mom called me last week she informed me that she is bad-getting-worse despite the recent changes to her healthcare routine & that she'll be "needing help" soon.

I talk to Sis (who works in the medical office treating mom as of a few months ago ) & she informs me that no, it is working, she is getting better, it's just a slow process.

I'm SO triggered because what's happening is that she is manifesting real problems in order to passive-aggressively force negative contact vs. LC/NC. This has been an ongoing, increasingly obvious dynamic since my father passed away nearly 25 years ago. Mom WAS my biggest bully until then - suddenly the roles reversed, she became needy & incapable & at 19 I was semi-forced into the loose role as head of the family. Since then she has never stopped needing attention on her terms 100%. She uses Fear, Obligation & Guilt interchangeably to represent Love & always has over the course of my life, often morphing the habits with life events but keeping the same underlying manipulations.

I cannot be a support person for her in this. Not only am I NOT a nurturing person by nature (DD is different & that relationship literally exhausts this part of me), I am in no way capable (at this point) of putting myself & my triggers aside to deal with her. I also can't help out financially since I'm still digging out of my own mess. The most basic conversations we've had in the last year simply dissolve into bad behavior on all sides. We have zero in common & can't carry conversations about anything important to me.... at the same time she has no hobbies, we have no shared interests including the basics like TV shows. She can't handle any stress so I can never discuss anything actually happening in my world of recovery or any of the things I struggle with. It's a very shallow relationship between 2 people that have never bonded. She was not even a little affectionate or relatable to us as children. Pretty sure the phrase, "who do you think you are - do you think you're special somehow?" is representative of my entire relationship with her followed by, "I just don't know what to DO with you." When I was 13 & we butted heads daily because I was a tween girl being forced into an adult role with my addict father away in jail & she gave me a card that told me, "I love you even though I don't always like you".

Even worse than her trying to force action out of me is her playing the Victim, Poor Me card. Don't I CARE that she is suffering???


I understand fully that her damage is so deep & she's so invested in it as an identity that changing at this point in her life is not happening. I understand how her damage affected her ability to parent - but it doesn't stop MY needs from being important too. It doesn't obligate me to her in any way.

I don't expect any big solutions to pop up - it's just too far out of my control & I can't stop her from inviting the negative in over the positive. I can't control how either of them manage this or be responsible for their unrealistic expectations of me.... but it is REALLY irritating me this week.

Thanks for reading if you made it through this entire novel!!