Originally Posted by aliciagr

Haa I still don't really know what codependency is because to be honest people have varying definitions. It basically is a term used by AA programs but what it really boils down to in my opinion is an addiction to another person. Usually someone who is broken/needy in some way. They readily accept the caretaking offered, and can also easily manipulate the emotional codependent into doing more and more for long periods of time.

When a person is addicted to substances, the mind lies and says the need for the drug is necessary like air or water. A person will do almost anything to protect their addiction, to obtain their drug. They are blindly willing to lose relationships, their home, car, savings, career, friends, hobbies, their values and ethics because they are driven to keep repeating the behavior and feel the high.

Codependents are addicts too. Its not about caring for another person, or even helping another person in a normal, balanced way. Its addiction where a person is willing to give up everything to help someone else, to hide the addiction in the family and pretend things are normal, to cover up the damage in the home and accept it even when lying in bed crying their eyes out. Its losing family, friends, hobbies, bending your principles. values, ethics because you feel its necessary to keep someone else in your life, or because you think your their only hope. Its a loss of self and then your own identity is somehow dependent and linked tightly with what another person does, says, thinks or feels. Codependents also often seem to think they can save a person with an addiction and disregard how people need medical/psychological help to overcome it most of the time. (Im not sure why in 2018 because its not that hard to educate yourself on the brain and how addiction works? )

Sadly, many family members are labeled as codependents just because they are family members. And also because a long time back the main concept was that people should step out the lives of the addict so they could hit rock bottom and then find recovery all on their own. In mainstream medicine from all Ive been told its not accepted as the approach to take any longer. While we cant become sickly codependents who surrender our lives for someone else all while thinking our love can save them - we can encourage treatment, help family obtain it, be a support and encouragement - all while continuing to hold firm in our boundaries, live our lives.

I don't see you as a codependent. Do you have a history of seeking out people who are hurt, sick, broken in some way? Needing to take care of them? Giving away too much of yourself and losing yourself?
I also don't see it in you because of the way you called out some of the posts and stood up for yourself. You seem to have a good sense of self, and personal boundaries.

And all in a months time with no experience in addiction! Those of us who didn't grow up in alcoholic homes, or have exposure to addiction.. when something happens we don't know what to do. It takes time to learn about addiction, learn about the behaviors addiction brings.

I remember sitting at home witnessing this awful behavior and thinking surely he is going to pull it together and just stop, He is capable and smart, and this makes no sense. So I waited and well it didn't happen. It took me a few months to seek help. I really just didn't understand. I came to online sites like this one, and then eventually made an appointment with an addiction doctor for therapy. I was so confused and had to reconcile what I saw with "the symptoms" of addiction. That is the one thing most of us here have in common. We've all been witness to the symptoms of addiction -in varying degrees of course.