Perceptions are funny things.
Two hours of cleaning. I'm done. Well, not done done but done for today.
Granted I likely didn't get as far as I imagined I would. But something funny (and probably predictable) happened. First, it took about 1/4 the time to get things where I'm satisfied for now. Proof it's never as bad as I often think it is. Second, I made a list of everything I need to do - in order - to get my house on sale for max value. Turns out I'm pretty sure if I just spend about an hour a day and a few hours each weekend I can get it done much faster than I thought. I suppose I'm a bit surprised by this b/c for the vast majority of as long as I can remember I've done nothing at all to tend to myself and my home. So I've lost touch with what actually happens when you do something. Been living in my head for far too long.
As I cleaned I was confronted with just how depressed and withdrawn I've been. And signs of my chemical abuse and it's effects were everywhere. From just the basic way I neglected the care of my home to 4 bottles of Visine I found - from smoking weed and using Visine to hide the bloodshot eyes. I'd buy a bottle, use it for awhile, misplace it, and just buy a new one because the fog I was in made me too lazy and dis-interested to find the old one. I wonder just how much of my life I've been living that way. Most of it I'm sure.
There is something very therapeutic about the purging. So. Much. Purging. Happening right now. Physical in the form of my bruises healing, night sweats and other side effects of cleansing. Physical in the form of throwing away clutter that I'd been intending to throw away for years. Emotional & Spiritual too.
The last 15 minutes or so I was crying. Overwhelmed with emotions that have been buried for years. I do not have the words to describe the feeling... some of it is sorrow but most of it is this strange sort of relief and awe at the possibility of living a life that isn't dominated by such unthinkable numbness and neglect.
And I kid you not - when I started cleaning I put on a Sunday message from a church I used to go to a long long time ago. The message was about Grace. And - I kid you not - the pastor used the example of a drunk driver in the message. I won't claim to know if it's coincidence or not - maybe it was - I suppose that's one way of looking at it. But that's not the way I'm going to choose to look at it.
I already feel better. I'm emotional as hell right now - but that's probably healthy. I haven't felt anything particularly healthy or therapeutic for a long long time.