A quick reflection on fear
Fear has ruled me for a lot of my life, and has played a big role in my drinking. I'd drink to dull my fear of social situations, to calm myself down before a big work presentation (ugh!), even before job interviews. I shudder just thinking about it.
So now that I'm 7 days in to my commitment to stop, I've been doing a lot of reading about working through negative thoughts and fear, and I've been trying to apply what I'm learning. Baby steps, but a few things over the last few days:
-I was feeling stressed yesterday morning. Oftentimes when I got that knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach in the past, I'd reach for a bottle. Yesterday I told myself to do something constructive. I wanted to go to the pool to swim but a bunch of reservations jumped in my head - I'll look stupid in my swimsuit, there will be too many people, I'll get anxious in a crowd, etc. Well, I tried my best to dismiss those thoughts, and to look at the benefits - I'll feel much better about myself if I go, and I'll let off some steam physically. I went, and I was so glad I did. It was great, and the people there made me feel silly for having reservations - people of all ages, all shapes and sizes, all abilities, just there enjoying. It was actually nice to be among people having a good time, rather than curled up in bed at home by myself.
-I've distanced myself from one of my best friends for a few months now, largely because I was so sunk in my own miserable brain. When I made the decision to commit to recovery a week ago, I knew it would do me good to reconnect with her, to have her as part of my supports. But I've been avoiding it - fearing the worst of course. I worked myself up into thinking she'd hate me for what I'd done in the past, for distancing myself from her, for my weakness. Finally I sucked it up yesterday and reached out to her, and she was so kind and supportive. We're getting together tomorrow. What a relief, and I know she'll be such a powerful ally in this.
These are of course baby steps..I have way bigger fear demons to slay in my life, but I feel encouraged by these two little things. Just thought I'd share how challenging fear has helped me over the last few days.
Thanks, JT