It finally happened-DUI and rock bottom
Well, it finally happened. After two years (at least) of knowing I had a problem with drinking and countless attempts at moderating and quitting and starting over and over again, it has come to this: a DUI and loss of my licence.
It happened two weeks ago and I'm just starting to process it. I have so many mixed emotions. I'm disgusted with myself for drink driving. I feel ashamed and depressed. But I also feel relieved because 1. No-one was hurt or killed- it could be so much worse than it is right now. and 2. There is no longer any doubt that continuing to drink will lead to heartache and ruin. It feels like the game is over- I can no longer hide it and pretend like I'm ok. I actually feel relieved that this happened. I think subconsciously I wanted something like this to happen.
I haven't had any alcohol since the DUI. I started Campral a week ago because I just don't trust myself. So far, I have had next to no cravings to drink . I have no desire to play Russian Roulette any longer. But I also don't know what to do with myself now- I can't drive so I am very restricted as to where I can go and what I can do. I'm linking in with a D and A counsellor and just taking this one day at a time.
At times I feel very, very sad by the choices I've made in the past and overwhelmed by the enormity of rebuilding my life without alcohol.
To anyone out there who thinks they can moderate and that things can't get worse, I'm here to tell you that moderation is a lie when you are addicted to a neurotoxic substance and that things can most definitely get worse.
I'm thankful every day that I didn't kill or injure anyone. If I could take back all those times I drove drunk, said hurtful things, lied, betrayed myself and acted irresponsibly and selfishly, I would. But I can't, so here I am.
Don't be like me. If you think you have a problem with alcohol, you do. If you think you can beat this thing by sheer willpower or alone, you can't.
I'm scared about the outcome of court in a couple of weeks time. I'm scared that I have ruined everything. I'm scared of the unknown path before me. But I'm grateful to be here, sober and awake.