Keep talking to us, we've all been there, froscow.
This site is a godsend when you just need to talk or be among your people.
If you keep reading and make a plan for when those thoughts come, you will be able to stay sober. There just has to be some changes - lots of them - in order to keep on the path.
It doesn't get better, we aren't "healed" with sober time. Once a problem drinker, there's no going back to just having one every now and then. It has to be complete abstinence. I hope this is your time.