Stew, while maybe sounding harsh, 2much pain is right. I have heard this many times before - the definition of insanity is keep doing what you're doing and expecting a different outcome. Just "buckling down" and riding it out rarely, and I mean rarely, works for any period of time. You have to actually embrace your choice and work to reach it. Sobriety won't magically just happen and if you are in constant conflict, use resources at your disposal. AA, AVRT, SMART meetings, inpatient if you have the ability, and stop looking at the future. Look at today, as that's the only thing you have control over. The past is a memory and the future is a dream. Live in the now and you might make some headway.