LostinLB

I have a similar story. I was with my ex for 11 years, he left me for someone in AA. It was kind of the same thing in that it came out of nowhere, a couple weeks before he had been so excited about us working through everything even though it would be hard and that we would come out better and stronger together, etc. Then he met someone else, didn't want to be with me any more and was moving on with his life. I was a risk to his sobriety, not the alcoholic/addict he was now seeing, obviously that was completely safe. I can still feel the pain of that moment deep inside me. I was devastated, that doesn't even come close to describing what I felt actually.

I thought I would NEVER feel ok again. I thought I was going to drown in my tears. The pain was so unbearable and placed on top of all the pain I had been stuffing down while his addiction got out of control. I was like a walking volcano of intense emotions and I had no control over when or who I would erupt on anymore. I was in a deep depression, but I made it through. I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel and there were days my biggest accomplishment was getting out of bed and moving to the couch. We didn't have children so I was able to kind of sit in that pain and really try to work through it. The pain was so intense, heavy, and unmovable I decided to make major changes to myself.

This all happened this past July and today I feel good, at peace, and excited about the next phase of my life (kinda scared as well). I'll share with you what worked for me and maybe some of it can help you as well.

I went back to therapy and I was lucky enough to be in a position I could pay for as much as I needed by cutting other expenses, like eating out. My therapist is an addiction specialist and helped walk me through the darkest days. I was going 2x a week but would sometimes end up doing 2-3 hours for a session (like I said I was in a very dark place). I highly recommend having a therapist help you process all of this, if you can afford to go 1 hour a week - do it. I cut a lot of other expenses out in order to have the funds for therapy because I knew I couldn't get myself through it alone. I also realized when I had a therapy appt I would feel so much better and that I needed it like everyday - so that is when I dove into Al-Anon and that changed my life. I would share a lot of the time, but often I didn't and would just listen, but I would leave there feeling so good. I live in an area where there are meetings everyday at most times, so I went almost every single day for 2 months. Then I cut back to 4-5x a week. Now I am just a couple times a week. It was just getting my ass out of the house and to the meeting that was significant, I would hear something that someone shared that really helped me that day. If you can't afford a lot of therapy please use those meetings. I think it is so easy to just stay in your own head obsessing over the situation but that is a dangerous place to live.

I started listening to what people talked about that helped them. It was usually praying to their Higher Power. This one was weird for me but I just did it because I was desperate for anything to make me feel better. So I started to pray every morning. I never was raised religious and I don't really believe in God but I do believe in the power of the universe and so I prayed every day for healing in my heart and for the pain to be taken away and eventually I started to feel better. Then I started to journal ANY time I started to get lost in my mind thinking about him, his new gf, what he did, what he must have been doing, etc. I just started to write all my thoughts out, if I did that I would actually be able to get them out of my head at least for awhile. I wrote it all down and one day I might actually go back and read them, but it is way too soon for that.

I also had already started an exercise routine and workout at the gym 4 days a week, so I just stuck with it, I showed up everyday I usually did and I worked out hard. Just being in a room with other people was helpful.

The last part I will share with you is that my ex and I, after all this happened ended up going no-contact on his request. All my crazy emotions were interfering with his new relationship. So it was exactly like he walked out of my life and barricaded the door shut. He left one life and just started a new one without ever looking back. It was so shocking that someone you loved and that had loved you could even do that. We were no contact for 4 months or so, I had even emailed him a couple of times asking about some stuff to do with our house and he would not respond. That hurt me so deeply, but I grew strong because of it. I made changes to myself and am and will be a better person because of all of this.

I believe he left our relationship because he could not face all of the damage he had done to it. I know he did not just stop loving me, but it was too much for him to face. It was going to take far more work to fix us than for him to find someone new who didn't know that side of him. He has since stopped seeing that girl and is trying to focus on himself.
We speak a little bit, text some of the time, and are on friendlier terms. That comes from us both actually doing real recovery work on ourselves and seeing where that takes us.

If he came to me today and said I am ready to fix it all, you are who I want to be with and made some big romantic gesture, blah blah, I would not be willing to do that at this time, I don't know if I ever would be. Maybe one day we can both be together again if that is what is meant to be, but I don't hold onto that notion. I'm not even sure I could do it again if it became an option, he had 9 years sobriety and working a program previously (the first half of our relationship was during that time) and that is a huge accomplishment, but he can go back to using at any time again even if he had 15 years, 20 years, it is never safe and behind us, it is always lurking around the corner and I don't know that I could take that risk.

I guess I am saying all of this in this long post, that I know what you are going through and how you are feeling. Those are some things that work for me. The rejection, disengagement, and coldness you are feeling from him I understand it. I PROMISE you, you will get through it. It is not easy but you will feel better one day. I swear it took me about 4 months to actually start to feel better most days but once that took hold I have been feeling better and better each day. You have a lot of pain to process. My therapist says it is like layers, you work through a bunch of things and are starting to feel better and then all of sudden those things are back and it feels like you are not making progress at all, but you have just uncovered a new layer of the pain and you are still moving forward and getting better even if it feels like you are backsliding.

I hope this helps you in some way.
xoxo