The Denial Runs Mind Boggingly Deep
It has been years since I posted here. I was sober for 3 years but I started to drink again in February of 2014. And yes, the following could and should read as a cautionary tale.
In 2015 I met someone new and fell head over heels in love with her. Turns out she was the biggest, scariest, craziest most toxic alcoholic I've ever met in my life.
She has 2 DUIs, one of which her parents helped her get out of and she wasn't charged with. The other which caused her to lose her license for 1 year. She never actually told me about the first one. I heard about it through a mutual acquaintance.
We were together for 2 years. During that time, she wet the bed at least half a dozen times or more and worse than that, pooped the bed on several occasions. She wouldn't only wet her own bed but also mine (we were in a long distance relationship) and also her family members' beds. Twice we stayed over at her family's cottage/house and she wet their beds.
She would drink to the point of appearing to hallucinate. I would try to get her stop but it was hard and often impossible. She wanted to stay up, drinking, chain smoking and talking to herself/her invisible friend.
Each morning she'd get up at a reasonably early hour, as if she hadn't just had a bottle of brandy and a bottle of gin (almost entire ones).
She fell down and hit her head one night. That was scary. She got up as if nothing had happened. She regularly had injuries she couldn't explain. Cuts, burns, bruises. a sprained ankle. One time I came up to see her and she had a black eye. She had no idea where she got it and dismissed it the way she dismissed everything. "Oh, must just be a burst blood vessel..." *shrug*
Her mood swings and temper were vicious. She would bake dozens of cookies and sweets in between binges and self-soothe through sugar/food.
One of the last times we were together she pushed me repeatedly (physically) and then groped me in bed (when I wanted to no part of her). And ya, it felt assaultive and sickening.
Here's the thing I can't seem to wrap my head around...
She thinks she doesn't have a problem with alcohol. She hasn't lost her job and it's a high profile/well respected job at that. It's also not a regular 9-5 job so she has built in flexibility. She doesn't drink every day. She basically binge drinks, once to twice (sometimes more) a week. When she starts drinking, she can't stop. She has stopped drinking on occasion, but only for 2 months max. It's not something she can do long term. And even when she quits for a few weeks she calls it a "cleanse." But there's no addressing the actual root of the problem.
One night this past summer when she drank so much there was poop everywhere, (ground into her bed, on her carpet, in the bathroom...) she blacked out in her bed and left candles burning in the diningroom. I blew them out. If I hadn't had my wits about me (at least somewhat) we could have burned alive in her house that night.
I know this woman is on a path toward death. Literally. Given her deep denial I don't believe she will ever seek help. I don't know what it will take for her to wake up. I'm guessing landing in the hospital might do it? But if that were the case, you would think the DUI, that landed her overnight in prison, would have been the wake up call and it was not.
I left her just after new year's. I have re-embraced my sobriety and am on day 19. I know I made the right choice in leaving. I guess where I remain "stuck" regarding her is the constant not being able to understand that kind of deep, deep denial. AND feeling concerned about the fact that she will likely die soon. She has a grown up son in his early 20s (she of course continued to drink when pregnant with him and was the product of a drunken one night stand) and she's seemingly close (in a toxic way) to her family. I'm guessing they know how ill she is but no one in her family appears to talk in a real way with one another, so who knows.
If I ever tried to broach the topic of her drinking while we were together it was met with such hostility and rage and she would always blame shift. In order to break up with her this time, as "cleanly" as I could, without toxic spew coming at me, I found the best way was to just cite my own issues. So, I noted I would be sober again and I cited our long distance as something I couldn't do anymore. So I never blamed her for anything. It worked. It was the easiest way out for me since I was breaking up with her not for a lack of love or caring. The fact remains, I still care about her very much and I worry about her. But I know it's not my problem or in my power to fix or even help.
I guess my question is, there HAS to be a part of her that KNOWS she has a serious problem and that she's on a path toward complete annihilation.
Should be noted too that she is no spring chicken. She is 55 years old. And oh ya, all her stories from her life (she was a good storyteller) are all about drinking. She's been at this for a very long time.
Sorry for the novel-length post.
Any thoughts or advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
~pancakes