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Old 01-14-2018, 09:14 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
silentrun
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
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Originally Posted by 2muchpain View Post
PS. If I actually worked hard on my compulsions, I could probably eliminate most of it. The wierd thing is that sometimes I'll do something and know that that's gonna be another compulsion. When that happens, I can usually catch it and make sure it doesn't become another problem. OCD is just a strange problem. Personally, I think it comes from my abusive childhood when things were always in flux. Never knew when I was gonna be beaten and when that happened, rarely knew why. I think it's a control thing. Knowing what to expect. Not big on surprises now, if that makes sense. John
I'm not a particularly compulsive person now that I don't drink. I noticed toward the end I was very ritualistic and had some magical thinking going on especially around numbers. I wouldn't call it OCD but it was on the spectrum probably. It slowly went away as I healed.

I'm sure you already know alcohol isn't good for these things but I think it actually caused mine. I used to feel like some dark force was chasing me and I tried to stay ahead of it but always had this feeling of impending doom and the axe could fall at any moment. I don't feel like that anymore. I can relate to how you felt as a child and I think that made me hyper aware which is almost like a constant state of fight or flight. Maybe the drinking and the rituals were a way of trying to neutralize that arousal state. It's taken awhile but now that I have my self respect back I feel safe.

I'm always impressed by your nature John. You really do have a good attitude realizing that your situation is workable and not using it as a reason to stay put.
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