Wildflower,
Get a few days sober. Then reevaluate what you are posting. I can only speak for myself as a single recovered alcoholic. There is not anyone good enough for me to start drinking for. The best me is me sober, clear headed, honest, and with my integrity. If I start drinking then one of the first things I will do is cheat on her. So, now I've risked my sanity, health, integrity, and the relationship over drinking.
As an alcoholic, booze is not an option because there is no situation that can improve from drinking it.