lightanddark

I have been sober for 2 weeks tonight and have been to two AA meetings. With New Years Eve coming up talks between me and my girlfriend have been about what to do for it. The old thing and the thing everyone else and her will be doing is drinking, or going to a bar. Which brought the conversation to "its ok you can have two drinks". And me then being like well I can just drink two or just beer...

I just feel like I'm missing out. I loved to drink, and the fact that I can occasionally blackout and create a **** show seems to fade when I think oh I will only have two drinks etc. More so when I think of the hundreds of times I have drank without a blackout.

The conversation then moved to my blackout, and how she doesnt wasnt to be "the fool" that her mother thinks she is for letting me back in her life. All the anxiety and pain caused came right back. I just want to be able to drink, but having the possibility of blacking out again and losing my girlfriend and the faith in myself.

It's not only New Years coming up, its my friends 21st in January. All these things I just wish i could have a few drinks and have a good time.

I just feel a bit sh** now because I'm thinking of all the hurt I've caused in the past, not only related to drink. But I've felt so good in myself before this, even then though my brain was like well I can have a glass of wine when I finally save up and take us for holiday.

Just feels weird and crappy...