I feel I should explain things a little more clearly. Most things in the past like setbacks, problems, disagreements, or my behavior in general would be blamed on alcohol. It was easier to blame drinking or me than work on the issues together. When I went into the construction business 11 yrs ago the housing market crashed 2 yrs later. I felt overwhelmed and talked with her about my concerns and asked her to be more involved. She said if I couldn't handle it don't do it. That's unproductive and nasty. We had problems with my stepson and eventually juvenile services were involved. She said I would have to leave before him (he was in trouble at school and was a handful inside and outside of our home). I attended and assisted in everything asked or needed of me. Once our kids were in school she was to work towards her degree to help out financially. She stopped going and said that would make things easier for us. I didn't understand those situations because I would drink she would say. Those are a few examples of where she wasn't with me. I can't think of any significant life event where I treated her this way. Could I be annoying drunk, of course yes, but not abusive.
Now that I'm sober, we've talked about those things and she admitted it wasn't because of my drinking. I wasn't listening to music because I was drinking. I just like music! Those things have built up over the years and in the past year I really f'd up, got totally out of control and went outside of our marriage. Now sober the curtain is pulled back and there is nothing left to blame it on. I'm trying to make it work and will give it time but am afraid if I had a more clear head long ago I would have already made to decision to seperate. She is happy to keep things the way they are. Maybe if more time passes and my brain rewires I'll think differently. Maybe not