Thanks BB. You make some good points. Really, the strongest craving to drink came when I was very depressed and suicidal. I thought screw it why not get wasted if I don't want to live. That was immediately replaced with knowing that I would be starting the confusion again and I know it would take less than a week to go back to where I was.
During Christmas everyone was drinking wine and it didn't bother me. Now I think that was because there wasn't enough booze for me to get drunk. My wife accused me of drinking again and I told her not to worry. If I'm drinking again you'll know it. I'd be out of my mind, going crazy up on the roof.
And to your point of being to the end of your rope with being sober and deciding to do the steps because you had nothing to lose, maybe I need to do that as well. Again thanks