Originally Posted by
Clmjr 
...Maybe I am white knuckling it but I really have no desire to drink. My problem is that through all the years of drinking and being in that fog I don't really know who I am. I do want to give it time but I've had these feelings for a few years. Has anyone stopped drinking and had any likeness to what I am experiencing?
Until I actually started working on my recovery, yes. My whole life seemed wretched. My relationship, my job, my finances, but especially me - everything. Restless. Irritable. Discontent..
The joke of it was, I was even going to meetings (once a week) but didn't consider myself alcoholic enough to do the work. After all, I hadn't slipped and had a drink, so how could that be the problem? I thought I was different - MY problem was that I couldn't bear who Id been drunk, but couldn't figure out who I was or wanted to be sober. Nowadays I don't think I was as different as I thought. I reckon that's a stage for most folk. I just dragged it out a long time.
When you look at the promises and the 12-steps of the AA recovery program you will see very little about alcohol. Only step 1 even mentions it. Because stopping drinking is just the first thing we do to get better. The rest of the program is about learning to live life on life's terms, drop our faulty perspective and ways of thinking, and actually change so we can live a fulfilling life.
The Twelve Steps
1. We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
(Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so.)
People are commonly advised to not make any drastic changes (quitting jobs, leaving partners etc) in the first year of sobriety. I reckon it's because pretty much everyone feels the way you do (and I did) for a bit, in between quitting the old way of coping with life and learning some new ones. And you can drag that bit out as long as you like. I personally got pretty fed up of going to bed praying I'd never wake up, and waking up disappointed with God for giving me another day of me and my life. It took me getting to that point - where i just wanted to die - before I became desperate enough to work on my recovery. I decided that I'd give the steps a go, and if I still wanted to die after that, then so be it. It was a horrible period and I hope I never go back there. So far that hasn't happened. I love my life now. Same job. Same partner. Same me technically, although it feels pretty different from the inside.
When you look at the promises of AA, there isn't one that says,' you won't want a drink' because that's a given. They're all about 'life' and our perspective. Recovery is nit the same thing as sobriety. You might like to read / reread the promises. I didn't think it would be possible that they could come true for me, but here we are, and they most certainly have come true for me and I know plenty of others who I've watched have them come true as well. This is what AA promises, if we work the steps thoroughly. ...
we'll know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We won't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We'll comprehend the word serenity and know peace.
No matter how far down the scale you have gone, we'll be able to see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear.
We'll lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We'll intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We'll suddenly realize that God is doing for us what you could not do for ourselves.
Recovery makes all the difference. Please, quit the white-knuckle ride. It's horrible.
BB