Clmjr

Well first, I started drinking and using drugs in my teens. It helped slow me down mentally and physically (anything I would do I would attack at 100 mph). Then later I drank out of habit, finally out of necessity. I always felt like I was in a race to success but when I turned around eventually, there was nobody else in the race.

To answer your question:
I am unhappy in my marriage. I feel we are more like friends (from our discussions she doesn't feel the same)

I'm dissatisfied with our life style. I would like to dial it back.

I used to love my business and the challenges from it. Now it is more like just a job.

I don't like coming home and having to put on a mask.

I don't want to be alone yet I feel alone

It may sound selfish but I'd like to be able to sometimes put myself first (this is one reason for the affair although now I realize how cowardly and hurtful that was)

I don't like always having to live up to high expectations and when I meet them they always get higher

My wife and I thought my drinking was the reason for my growing unhappiness, but it was only a blurriness that covered it

My utopia would be to be be free of burden and continuously happy. That is unrealistic so the life I'd like would contain the following :

To be in a relationship with someone who I could be a partner with and love fully.

To have someone who wouldn't turn there back on me when times get tough (has happened throughout our relationship)

Be very involved in my kids lives

Start a new business

Now I know there are plenty of things she would probably change as well. However she has said she loves our current life and wants to continue. I'm not sure what to do.

By the way, my urges to drink now are really nonexistent. I've been around it plenty since rehab and haven't had any real cravings. I'm not letting my guard down though. I've also recently been diagnosed as having BP1 and am being treated for that