Your AV is on the rampage right now.
Just read through your posts from the last few years. No offense, but you havent tried 5 years of recovery. You've stayed sober and relapsed on and off. That isn't the same as staying sober consistently and working on your recovery.
Maybe you need to take another look at your recovery plan. So you can start getting well and find new ways to cope with pain. Whether it's from your family or just life, there will always be pain. But there are other ways of dealing with it. Recovery is how we learn those ways.
BB x