Originally Posted by
RenegadeYankee 
Non addict here who had an ex girlfriend who is a recovering heroin addict. Was clean from Heroin from 14 months but was addicted to Suboxone. We’ve dated for about 7 months. I came into her life during a dark time. She just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship and I was everything he was not. Understanding, kind hearted and easy to talk to. Despite all of her baggage I saw a human being in her. Underneath that hard shell I saw an affectionate, overall good person in her and I wanted to help her get better.
Recently she made the decision to go to a rehab facility in Florida. We were both originally from New Jersey. I was so happy for her and proud of her. She needed help and she was finally getting it. We’ve kept in touch for about a month and early on she was certain she wanted to come home and work on bettering our relationship. As time went by however it seems like she’s had a change of heart. She told me she might actually stay in Florida and that it’s best if we just move on. We’re 1000 miles apart and we can’t stop each other from seeing other people.
Part of me completely understands. She really didn’t have anything good going for her at home. She seems happier down there then she’s ever been down at home. It’s probably for the best and I don’t want to do anything to prevent her from getting better for my own selfish reasons. Part of me however is also hurt, annoyed and frustrated. All of this hard work and dedication didn’t pay off. I’ve helped her with money, showered her with attention and affection, listened to her scary and albeit sad stories. This is the end result? If anything though I’m more frustrated at myself. Did I not do enough? Could I have done any better? Is it okay to be happy for her and frustrated at the same time?
What is this feeling? Why is it eating at me? Have any of you been through something similar? Part of me will always care about her. I hope she’s okay and is doing the right thing. I just don’t know what to do. I know I need to let go, I just don’t know where to start. Should I keep in contact with her but limit it? Or is this someone I should cut ties with for good and block them from my social media accounts and my phone?
RenegadeYankee, I feel your pain. I too went thru a recent break up from a recovering addict. The reasons for her walking away from the relationship and not wanting to work for it still befuddles me. It's been a few months now and I had to heal and do a LOT of soul searching (that and therapy, Al-Anon and reading books on alcoholics). This is my 2 cents:
Addicts don't process and weigh issues the same way that us non-addicts do. From your perspective, you feel that you two had the foundation of a potentially great relationship and you did all you could to help her get healthy to be able to partake in building this future great relationship. However, her mind is all about the present and how to manage her anxiety, self-loathing, or whatever mental health issue plagues her. She very likely doesn't weigh in all the effort and good you sacrificed on her behalf cause addicts live their lives just "getting through the day" and don't consider the long term like we would. So you see, I suspect that she has reached some sort of manageable level for her addiction and that is comfortable and enough for her right now. Adding you to the equation would upset the apple cart and she can't process that...despite all the good will you showed to her. Addicts tend to have a very focused tunnel vision while living life...that is why they tend to be very selfish and self-absorbed.
In my case, my ex recovering alcoholic gf did the same to me. She struggled with coping with the daily ups and downs of work and the pressures of managing our relationship was too much for her. So she cut me out. My therapist explained this to me that unfortunately, she had no choice but to cut me out cause there was no other way to manage her anxiety. When we had the break up talk, she did say a few telling things. One was that her anxiety level is much lower letting me go and that she wasn't sure if breaking up was the "right" decision in the long run...but that was how she "felt" at that moment. I too did a lot for her and tried to help her through her troubles, but in the end, I almost feel that she just didn't have the emotional bandwidth to "manage" a relationship. The life of an addict is very much about resource management. I do believe she still loves me...but as the song goes..."Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough"...