Back at recovery
Hello all. It's been several months maybe even a year since I logged into sober recovery. I used to be very dedicated to my sobriety but fell back into my addictions and self medication after a beloved pet of mine suddenly died. I was so devastated by the loss of this pet, I started drinking again but for the first time I was throwing Xanax into the mix. I got to a point recently where I went through 200mg in a week and a half. I ran out and have been having benzo withdrawals for 4 days. They're similar to alcohol WD, which I find to somehow be worse. My body is healing but I am still in a really dark place (sleepless/night mares/anxiety/depression/vomiting/sweats/shakes/can't eat etc).
During my time with mixing benzos and alcohol I blacked out one night and hit my head. I waited 4 days and went to the ER to find i had a mild concussion. They gave me a CT scan but nothing for the anxiety or withdrawals since I have history with addiction. I don't have insurance so my options with doctors are always limited.
May I just say that we all know how much withdrawals suck. They are painful and feel complicated and make your mind race and you're always sick. I am scared how much danger I put myself in when I fell. I've been drinking for years and luckily nothing bad has really happened to me in terms of a serious injury. But adding pills to the mix somehow felt deadlier? I'm not sure why but my sad Xanax days haunt me when I thought I was just trying to numb the pain.
I want to say that I'm thankful as always for sober recovery. Y'all are always here every time I start back on day one. I'm still very sick today and as usual scared my heart is going to stop. I know the likelihood of this happening is rare but it's mostly my anxiety scaring me. I love my friends, family, job and pets so much. I don't know why I always keep doing this to myself. But now I'm back to start. Day two of being completely sober but on day 4 of xanax withdrawal. Please pray for me.