It begins...
So I went to my first meeting today.
3 days after being escorted out of my local casino covered in my own sick (and other things).
I didn't think of myself as an alcoholic because I didn't drink every day. I mean I had problems stopping drinking the minute a drink was in the nearest vicinity. I couldn't say no. I thought about it all the time. Dropped out of activities because I was hungover/still drunk from night before. And never managed to last giving up.
The truth is I've had problems since I was 12. And when I was 18 they got to the point where I was hammered all the time. I was a Party Boy. And boy did I party. I was great fun. (As long as you weren't around for the sick, or the soiling or the illness or injuries.)
But in the past few years I'd managed to contain it down to only 6 times a month. And recently even less than that. I could be sober for a good amount of time, but the minute I smelt liquor, or drugs, I was gone. And then my next week would be destroyed with hangover or financial strain. My control started slipping again and I realised I was about to get to a point where I couldn't hold on any longer and I'd be lost forever.
And at the meeting it hit me that even when I'm not drinking I'm scratching the itch - I'm spending too much, using codeine and other prescription drugs, eating too much, purging too much. (And in the past coke, meth, MDMA etc.).
So whether or not I am an alcoholic or just have problems with drink, I'm at AA now. And really sad. Because I have to say goodbye to the crazy party boy that really was a wild ride. And all I want to do is send him off with the biggest party ever. But I'm guessing that's not quite how it works...
I don't know how forums work. This is my first post. (How I've avoided posting on a forum all these years is beyond me.) So I don't know if this will be read at all. But I'm sending my hopes and fears off into the universe anyway.