I can relate a lot to your post.
I fought with myself whilst damaging everyone else around me to try and convince me and them that I could continue to drink.
I ran/run a successful business, took care of my children, paid my bills, nice house,cars etc beautiful mrs girl of my dreams, great family etc etc. To anyone looking in I would have appeared to have no problems at all.
However.......I was losing myself inside bit by bit, my outlook on life and my attitude was becoming warped. So High Functioning I suppose but it was exactly that, only Functioning. I wasn’t living.
I can only describe my feelings towards the prospect of a life without booze as petrifaction. I honstly could not fathom a future without the choice to drink being in it ( choice being the funny word)
Who was I without being the life and soul, who would always be topping your drink up, having a laugh and the first one at the bar and the last one to leave it.
The only thing that moved me past this and got me sober was facing up to myself and admitting the denial and the alcoholic voice that had taken residence in my booze ruled brain.
Then I completely surrendered myself to the fact that I DO have an alcohol problem and I can NEVER be a normal drinker.
This coupled with the fact that like you I wanted more from life, to be the best partner, friend, dad, son etc. That I could be rather than a self loathing version of myself.
The moment of surrender was the moment things changed for me and I haven’t picked up a drink since and have no interest in doing so.
I can’t see myself ever picking up a drink again and I owe that to making peace with the fact that I am just not someone who can.