Get Stubborn
Hi SR!
I don't post too much these days but I read everyone's stories, usually in the morning and evening. Every day. It helps me tremendously so to all I say thank you. And the biggest thank you to those that have the courage to come back after a relapse and talk about it. Never, ever give up!
I, like I'm sure so many of you, think about this recovery thing an awful lot. That's ok....that's life for me. I think about my waistline and all the stuff I have to do throughout the day too. Just add recovery to the daily to do list.
I often ponder, what IS this recovery thing? What makes one person successful and maybe another less so? What makes ME successful, and then sometimes maybe less so? I attend AA, but am not the 'poster child' for the program. When I am feeling the most 'peaceful' (which is kinda the goal) I am usually feeling my highest level of acceptance. Not just of the fact that I cannot drink and not have dire consequences, but acceptance of everything. I mean, everything. Truly on its most basic level. I accept that I am exactly as I should be. And so are you. BUT.....
That simply isn't always reality. For me. Sometimes life can be challenging. YOU can be challenging. IT can be challenging. THAT, THIS and the OTHER THING can be challenging. It just simply is. So what then?
If my addiction, in simple terms, is my INability to cope with life, and recovery, in simple terms, is my ability TO cope, then how do I cope when that easy, peaceful feeling just simply isn't there?
PAUSE when agitated. I fricken LOVE this. I mean seriously, do NOTHING. If I do nothing, nothing happens. Just don't react. Wait. I don't know about you guys but most things actually don't require my involvement, or reaction. And that includes that little voice in my head that suggests a drink would be a good idea. I hear the voice, its 100 % normal that I have it. But I do not have to act on it. There are literally dozens of better ways to cope than drink for every situation. Recovery is my willingness to use those other coping mechanisms. I doubt I will ever completely lose that voice. But I accept that that is my reality. Makes things so much easier. My feelings and thoughts are not necessarily fact. And really, they usually aren't fact. I don't have to act on them.
Get stubborn. Yeah, I know, not very compatible with that peaceful acceptance thing. And maybe this is where I deviate from AA a bit. But sometimes staying sober requires a HE!! NO attitude. I won't do this. I will prove to myself, to my family, to my community, to the stupid fricken treatment center I went to, that I WON'T do this. I am going to accept that sometimes recovery isn't comfortable. That sometimes it hurts and is hard. But I HAVE to stay sober. My life, and possibly yours, depends on it. Now if I'm always taking this stance, well I obviously have some issues to work out. But if its between me and that drink and my higher power has left the building, its up to me to says NO. Don't drink NO MATTER WHAT. I hear often, from people in very early days, "How do I do this? Its day 5 and the voice won't shut up." Choose a different coping mechanism. Pray, meditate, work out, go to a meeting, eat. But when all else fails, get stubborn. Dig your heels in. Say FLUCK NO!!!!
I dunno. I wonder how you guys feel about that. I can't give up. I can't fail. My life depends on it. And when I'm THAT close to a drink, I really don't want to fricken meditate, ya know? Thankfully, I am usually quite calm. The obsession has been lifted. But ya know, I still think about it. And sometimes just putting my foot down and saying he!! no is exactly what the dr ordered!!!
Hang in there peeps.