I wonder if it might help to say in as detailed a way as possible what thoughts/feelings were you having when you decided to drink again.
This may help give you a feeling of being in control (and then you'll have to change your name
) because you'll see that you drank for a reason, even though not a very good one of course because there is never a
good reason to start drinking again, rather than as something mysterious that caught you unaware or just happened to you.
Perhaps if you posted these thoughts and feelings here people here could give you some feedback from their own experience.