Thanks everyone for your support. I did make it to karate tonight- just as I suspected I wasn't in the mood, but pushed myself anyway- I am so happy I did. I know this about myself so I really need to keep it a constant priority for my sobriety and general mental well being, exercise just helps me a lot.
I called and made an immediate appointment with my psychiatrist. I had a good moan to him which he didn't allow, told me to get it together, reminded me that I'm great and pushed me out the door with a new prescription which I promptly filled at the pharmacy. It was a bit harsh, but needed and I appreciate his style given my last attachment to my male doctor. No whiny sympathy needed, just the meds, I've got my psychologist tomorrow I can whine to. Although she is also more objective-approached, which is good, I tend to wallow a lot and throw many pity parties.
Bix, you are exactly right about what I should have done, hindsight is 20-20. at the time I was just so shocked and embarrassed that it was happening to me there at my new job. I didn't want to stir up any mess or risk him coming to the door or in the building. I also quickly, but thoroughly thought it through and my idea was that it would be a good idea to show him a calm, cool and collected face. I gave myself a few minutes to pull myself together and when I was sure I could go out and speak calmly but very firmly, with no wavering in my voice, no emotion and no sign of fear on my face I went out. I motioned for him to roll down the passenger window (I didn't want to get too close on the driver's side) He didn't budge, so I opened the door and with a very straight face I told him that he was not welcome at my work, at my home or in my life at all and to stop contacting me or trying to visit me. He started to speak and I simply said "no. I have made myself clear. Do not come here again or I will call the police" and then calmly closed the door and calmly walked back inside.
I don't fear for my safety. This could be sheer stupidity on my part or a healthy awareness of my physical strength and determination which I work hard at. Either way, i am not afraid for my personal safety, but I was afraid for my peace of mind. I want no part of any drama right now and the whole thing very obviously screams of drama.
I am just so frustrated, hurt and angry, mostly at myself, that I once again have misread someone so severely. I swear he seemed so mentally healthy and sane and just like a nice guy. Our conversation at the villa was interesting, intelligent, warm and friendly- nothing crossing any bounds. When he wrote saying he wanted to see me I was even happy because he seemed like a nice guy who would take things slow and be really respectful. Then came out that he is married, then came the hundreds of messages that he sent for hours on end despite the fact that I wasn't responding, then came the call and visits to my work.
I obviously have some severe issues reading people, choosing nice people to spend my time with, etc. This makes me feel afraid, crazy, worried for myself and like I should just hide away and never speak to anyone again.
I guess I just have to accept what has happened to me in the past that has caused this problem and distrust, and just accept it is going to take some time to heal and recover and get back to being able to relate to people in a normal, healthy way. It's hurtful and sad, I like to be around other people. But it is what it is. I do get some of my social needs met at work and at karate, so that is good.
I am so thankful though that I did not drink. I was really close and that was scary. I want to make sure I keep working so I can get through the next time, because I am sure there will be a next time. It is hard to go through these things sober, but even harder to go through them drunk.