ironwoman

After six months sober a couple years ago, my pink cloud disappeared and resentments and sadness surfaced. I started drinking again. I would have good periods and bad, times when I drank more followed by remorseful periods of semi-sobriety.

I got into a relationship, during a good/light drinking period, and fell in love for the first time in ten years. I was good for the first few months, not wanting to drink because I didn’t want to mess things up. He never called me on my drinking, which gradually got worse. I broke a bone. I embarassed myself at parties. I forgot many nights. And every night I was sober, I was grateful for it. That was maybe half the nights.

After 9 months, I felt uneasy. I still hadn’t divulged my history, nervous he would judge me, and I was too nervous to ask what he thought of me. So I drank, went into a dark place in my head, and blew his words and actions out of proportion, thinking they were a sign he wasn’t interested.

And in a drunken stupor, I broke up with him. I wanted to hurt back. I don’t even remember all of what I said but I know that when you are angry at someone, it reflects what you don’t like about yourself. And I yelled at him for not feeling emotionally connected, when I was angry at myself for not being more open.

Apologies failed to do the trick. He doesn’t want to see me. Not once in our relationship did he ever say, “I am upset with you for X,” “I don’t like it when you do Y.” I didn’t ask him but was left to wonder. And failing to call me on my action gave me license to stop drinking tomorrow. Always tomorrow.

Drinking has failed me in relationships. I dated another alcoholic, wasting 9 months with someone who I never would have found to be a fit if I weren’t drinking. And then I dated and married a man who I didn’t love or find attractive but was responsible and could pour a glass of wine and just drink half. That was important to me, to help me keep my drinking in check.

I wanted to apologize in person, but he doesn’t want to see me. He says he wants to get over me.

For the first time in my life, alcohol has been the catalyst for me losing someone I truly loved. It led me to lose half the time we shared, since I wasn’t fully present. It sparked angry outbursts I would never have had sober. It is ironic that I was too nervous to get back in the rooms and get completely sober with him because I didn’t want to admit that I am an alcoholic. I didn’t want to him to judge me. I didn’t want him to tell his gossipy friends, though I could have asked him not to. I could have trusted him. I could have done a lot of things, including getting sober.

Sadly, I didn’t decide to stop drinking right after I broke up with him. I drank to deal with the heartbreak, still hoping he would change his mind. It is clear now that he won’t, and even more clear that my drinking is now making things worse. I am showing up later to work, sleeping poorly, and ridiculously depressed. It is keeping me from being a better friend and family member, a better employee, and a stronger athlete.

My last serious periods of sobriety might have been avoided if I had built up a network of sober friends. But I would stop going to meetings after I felt like I had my sobriety down; there were so many other things I wanted to do with my time. I did not make an effort to build the friendships I might have relied upon to stay sober.

I know that staying sober needs to be my number 1 priority right now for it to stick. I need to prioritize that, and this post is my first attempt at laying out my intentions and holding myself accountable.

Here is my current plan:
1. I will make an appointment with a therapist today.
2. I will attend a meeting tonight and I will speak up. I will attend three meetings this week.
3. I will fill the evenings of my calendar for the next two weeks. If I can get past the dinner hour, I am fine.
4. I will check in with sober recovery every day for the next month.

I am also looking up goal races for 2018, active workouts to do with others, potential coaches. I haven’t committed to anything yet, but I can dream big.

I welcome your advice and support.