Daily check in of sorts
Today I marveled at the opportunities I have in my life when I’m sober. I get to have relationships. Show up clear headed for events. I evened hugged my ex’s new boyfriend today. (I did say something a bit snarky to him but it’s a start). I’m looking forward to not living in resentments and old hurts. But that’s also life. I’m also afraid because I know taking Antabuse is a huge factor. I don’t have the option to drink. But I do choose to take the Antabuse. Well, it’s a bit coerced. If I don’t follow thru on the treatment plan with my therapist I agreed to go to inpatient. F@$&! I just scared myself. It seems so easy to just go in, do my morning group and take my Antabuse but it’s a hassle. I screw up hassles. I think the heart of this is admitting to my innermost self that I don’t have control over this. That’s humbling. I find it humiliating actually. Everyone in there from the reception staff to the nurses and therapists know I am out of control. I feel like there’s this red LOSER stamp on my forehead. Rambling. I’m grateful tho.