My apologies for not replying or updating sooner.
First of all I would like to give some info on my experience going for the implant. I had the best experience I have ever had with a Dr. The doctor was around the same age as me (low 30's). He spoke english well, but brought a friend/colleague along who spoke English perfectly and was actually a psychiatrist.
The first thing they did was breathalyze me before engaging in any conversation. When I blew zero both doctor's were very quick to point out the same thing that many people here have. The implant would not be a cure. They spoke to me for almost an hour about patient's they had treated and their experience with the implant.
Apparently almost every patient would be back year after year to redo the implant if they didn't get another form of treatment. The psychiatrist that was there spent 15 minutes on his mobile phone finding a colleague that had room for patients and could practice in English. Both doctor's then went on to normalize my experience with addiction at length, and talked about how common the problem with alcohol is in Poland.
They went on to explain to me that there is no antidote for disulfiram and that once implanted, there was a chance it would become dislodged, meaning it could be impossible to remove. I was really worried that I might experience side effects having never taken the medication.
When I asked about the possibility of taking oral tablets they went through all the dangers and wrote me a script. Because I don't have a polish Social security number the Dr's were worried the pharmacy wouldn't fill the prescription. Both of them walked to the pharmacy with me in order to make sure I got the tablets.
There is no way they did this for any kind of financial incentive. I paid about $150 USD for the consultation and a two year supply of medication (a fraction of the price of an implant).
The next day I started taking the tablets. Unfortunately I don't have health insurance here and was put off by the price of seeing a therapist (I've also worked in therapy which makes it extremely hard to find a therapist who I find competent). I decided to commit to using what I know and found that keeping busy with study, moderate exercise and my wife have definitely helped. I also found mindfulness exercises particularly helpful.
So....... I made it a month sober. I really struggled during this time with my mood. In the span of a few hours I could go from happy and content to depressed and anxious. Of course the main thing I used to moderate my mood is now out of the picture, and I am struggling to understand whether what I feel is normal in recovery or something more sinister. My brother, my father and my paternal grandmother were are all genuinely bipolar. My sister recovered from a 6 month episode of drug induced psychosis. I have never had a psychotic episode but my recent sobriety has left strong patches of depression and anxiety that I wonder about. The best strategy I have for now is being willing to accept that negative feeling and emotions are a normal and a part of everyone's life. I have certainly realized that fighting them makes them worse, as does trying to avoid them with short term solutions. In the last 6 weeks I've definitely grown a lot.
It was initially really hard for me to go out when I knew other people would be drinking, especially when there is a language barrier (although my polish is improving). After going out a few times I realized it wasn't that bad.
One thing I am finding really hard is my (percieved) lack of something to look forward to. After a month of studying like crazy I took a break and went for a weekend trip to a tourist city with my wife. It REALLY bothered me not being able to have a drink with dinner and afterwards. I found it really hard to enjoy the trip so I decided to stop taking the medication.
I waited about 10 days and drank for two days over the weekend and it was not a good experience. It was like a switch had flipped in my head and I found it really hard to stop. I didn't even enjoy the experience. On Monday I started taking the medication again. I never experienced side effects and it does seem to make the decision a lot easier.
I think I've finally accepted that I am one those people that just can't drink. Life seems pretty grey without booze but then again it seems pitch black with it. One of the things that makes me anxious now is when people ask me if I want a drink, I always hyper analyse any way I refuse and imagine what people will think of me. I realize this is a distorted thought process but sadly its a persistent one.
Overall I feel very committed to staying sober, but I'm definitely struggling to adapt to a sober life. Luckily things have improved greatly with my wife. She's a massive support and I'm really fortunate to have her. So far the pros of not drinking outweigh the cons by far and this is going to be something I stick with. I'll take the medication as long as I feel I need it. Now that I know the medication doesn't give me side effects, I'll consider the implant again before I return home.
That's it for now, any feedback is welcome and appreciated