Hi Lost,
Sorry this happened to you. It sounds like he has a lot of problems he is running from / trying to hide from you. It also sounds like you are completely aware of this.
As others have said, it will take time but you will be ok. Try not to focus too much on all the "good" stuff. There is a reason you have been pulling away, try to focus on that.
Originally Posted by
Lostbirdie 
Towards the end, when he would see me cry, it would sigh and say “ OKAAAY what did i do NOW?” .
Make sure you come back to this at some point. The man pushes you and pushes you by lying to you repeatedly about his cocaine use (and who knows what else he's using) and when you get repeatedly upset, he gets upset? He gets short tempered? He is put out by you talking about it?
Originally Posted by
Lostbirdie When we broke up, he also told me that he loved me very much, but that he wasnt IN love with me anymore.. and that it was just comfortable, with no spark now. i was just in awe. He said he finds me beautiful, still physically and sexually attractive and loves me dearly, but not sure if he was in love. I remember when i had that feeling too last year, i asked him about it, and he would just say “well of course its not gonna be like how it was when we first met babe, we’re comfortable, its completely normal!” I didnt know any better and i thought it was true, and i grew rather fond in knowing that.
Of course you did and when he said that he was probably in a better mind space. What is (probably) more accurate is when you started to pull away because of his repeated lies and cocaine use he sensed that. Now he can feel that distance. Did he look inward and say hmm, maybe the pleading, crying, conversations she wants me to have are because of my lying and drug use?
No. Sounds like he is just a bit fed up with someone trying to hold him accountable (not your fault). In this relationship, as you have mentioned, you have always talked things out. This is different, this is his drug use and he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm just guessing here of course, you know him, but is this someone you want to be around anyway? Someone who dismisses your feelings like that?
Eventually you will get angry. Embrace that anger (just don't get stuck there, you will know when it's served its purpose). It will move you out of this.
In the meantime, the thoughts will come, you are probably feeling a bit scared too. Try not to be, you will be ok. As you ruminate you might want to try journaling some of that, even just open notepad on your computer and start writing our negative things he did. The number of times he used, the number of times he had "allergies", weird behaviours, abusive behaviours etc. When you are feeling low (or anytime you start to dwell) open up that document and read it.
Be kind to yourself. Try not to isolate. Watch an entire netflix series, start playing tetris, order your favourite meal, get a manicure, meet a friend or family member for dinner. Come here and post.