Thank you for you kind words. I feel like i’m the only one in the world who’s experiencing this yet I see that MANY have been in my shoes before.
I think the problem with me is that now that it’s over, I can’t stop thinking about him. I literally cant stand the thought of him being with someone else, let alone just for casual sex. I don’t know if he is, but am I the only one who has felt crazy in that respect? It would feel like an almost betrayal for our history, sven though it’s completely irrational to think that. It’s hard to thjnk about me right now.. it gets better when im with friends, i get to see their perspective and it definitely helps, but i cant take it with me. Sometimes I think that I wished I saw the signa earlier.. we never lived together, but when i would go over, he would sometimes have these crazy “allergies” that antihistamines wouldnt fix. His “arguing” would be different. Before he would get a bit frustrated, but we would share our feelings and end with an i love you. Towards the end, when he would see me cry, it would sigh and say “ OKAAAY what did i do NOW?” . When we broke up, he also told me that he loved me very much, but that he wasnt IN love with me anymore.. and that it was just comfortable, with no spark now. i was just in awe. He said he finds me beautiful, still physically and sexually attractive and loves me dearly, but not sure if he was in love. I remember when i had that feeling too last year, i asked him about it, and he would just say “well of course its not gonna be like how it was when we first met babe, we’re comfortable, its completely normal!” I didnt know any better and i thought it was true, and i grew rather fond in knowing that.
I guess time will slowly heal my wounds, but God does it ever hurt.. i hate that i ruminaye in my thoughts. I feel like it would be so much more better if i could disassociate from my brain sometimes