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Old 11-17-2017, 11:52 PM
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Grrrlnextdoor
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 4
Absolute uncertainty

Hi everyone- I don't want to bore you with a super long story, so I'll try to summarize as best I can.

I have loved the same man (let's call him David) since we were children, when we were neighbors. We had very major religious differences, so my parents (although they liked him very much) were generally telling me it was just a shame, too bad, etc...

Anyway, years pass and I lose touch, hear he's married, yada yada. I always regretted not standing up to my parents, and missing my chance with David. My own situation gets hugely complicated when I get pregnant and rushed into a marriage with a man I did not know that well (thanks again, hyper-religious parents). This turned out to be a disaster that led to me being very severely abused in every way you could imagine.

I spent the next ten years trying to protect myself and my children, and eventually get divorced, remarried, and fall into some serious codependency, not even noticing that I again married an abuser/cheater.

Divorced AGAIN, I'm just done, not interested in relationships, date a bit here and there, not really caring about anyone I met. 3 years pass like this, all while I'm struggling with severe PTSD.

lo and behold, I bump into one of Davids brothers near my hometown, and he tells me where to find him. I reach out, and he's living about 1.5 hours away, and he is also divorced, excommunicated from his church, totally alone.

We talked for hours every night for weeks. This is when I learn he is a recovering alcoholic/sex addict that no longer uses, but struggles emotionally, all the while going to therapy, working, and attending AA.

I'm so proud of him, listen to all of this with zero judgement, and tell him just how amazingly he's vigilantly focusing on recovery.

And I confess my dumb feelings for him. He's totally surprised, and interested in dating. Of course, this guy has been my fantasy since I was 10, so I'm so so excited.

Well, we are well over a year in, and now live together. David is the funniest, smartest, loveliest person - who decided about a month ago to stop taking medication/going to therapy, and hasn't been to AA more than twice this past six months. He is very good about working and helping me around the house, but I'm so overwhelmed by his lack of commitment to his recovery since we moved in together.

I'm trying very hard not to be codependent here, but he's exhibiting all the "dry drunk " symptoms, especially anger. He is constantly isolating, and goes back and forth between "let's get married," and "I'm leaving."

So anytime I bring up going back to any kind of support system, it becomes an argument, or he simply refuses to discuss it. The constant avoidance (he's got some major depression AND major family dysfunction all bottled up) with rapid cycling of anger feels WAY too much like my former abusive husband, and I'm getting really scared. I don't know what to expect Day to day, and I'm trying not to become the anxious terrified person I was before, but I can feel it happening every day.

My children love him dearly, as do I, but honestly I'm scared. I've been through this before, and it has been hell. I don't want to think it's inevitable, but the more he avoids addressing his issues/lashes out at me verbally, I feel very inclined to bail out.

As I said, I have known and loved David most of my life, and don't want to give up on him. But I'm petrified that my own codependencies will hinder him and he'll stay in this phase of denial until something bad happens.

I'm so so lost, and I try every day to focus on improvement of my own life and goals, but we are so intertwined at this point that all of the uncertainty surrounding our relationship is wearing me down.

I've told him that I'd totally support any kind of treatment he'd agree to. I've told him I will love and support him unconditionally. But he has been breaking promises to get help for awhile now, so I just don't know what to do. I'm triggered by his actions almost daily, and I've started using edible cannabis regularly to dampen my anxiety. I know this is a long story, but I would appreciate so much if someone could read it and offer me some perspective- I just don't feel like I'm objective enough in this situation. Thanks in advance, this forum has already helped me out a lot.
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