Thank you all for your responses, I appreciate each and every one of them. Also thank you for recommending the friends and family forum.
I am very back and forth about this situation - I secretly met up with a divorce lawyer over the summer but didn’t even get to starting the paperwork before I decided things weren’t all that bad.Now we are talking about a 2nd baby...
That’s another thing though: he’s raged at me numerous times over my reluctance to have another baby, which was hugely stressful for me, partly because he doesn’t bother to be sure our daughter isn’t around when he picks fights with me, and partly because he’s an addict and I deal with depression and take on virtually all of the work at home while working a full time job as well. It’s hard to imagine starting over with another pregnancy & baby, much less the guilt for bringing a child into a potentially bad situation. I finally decided though, it’s now or never, as I’m approaching 40, and I really did want two children, and he’s promised to quit...when, I don’t know.
He’s been easier to live with since I’ve agreed to get pregnant, but now I’m thinking of making an ultimatum for him to get help before we start trying again this month. I’m afraid of his reaction. Not physically, but he yells and I’m naturally pretty chill and non-confrontational. I’m also afraid of him being difficult to deal with if we did end up separating, in terms of doing what is best for our child.
My first pregnancy was terrible and our baby was premature. I’m terrified I’ll end up on bed rest and I’ll need to physically depend on him. I just don’t trust him to take care of us.
As mentioned, I struggle with depression and it’s been pretty bad since we have been together. I’m honestly not sure how much more I can take in life so I’m just living day to day, trying to not rock the boat.
So, both the option to stay and the option to leave seem impossible. In the end, what will mobilize me is bad effects on my child/potential child but it never seems like a good time. I have no family and my friends are busy with their own lives. If I had parents I would have probably left a long time ago to stay with them, if only to test him, but that is not an option.
I’ll try the list thing that was suggested, that is a good idea. I have also been thinking about Narcanon, however I am not religious so the higher power stuff turns me off.
Thanks for listening. Oh, If I repost this in the friends and family, will that be ok? Not sure if that’s a better place to talk about this to this extent.