Hey Cak3.
Did you ever do a 12-step program as part of your recovery? If so, perhaps you could pick up on that recovery work again. If not, it's never too late to start working through that stuff. And when I say 'stuff' I tend to mean those feelings you're talking about.
You know, I don't know you, but it sounds from what you say that you sank pretty low. I have no idea what the statistics are for people recovering from heroin addiction once they get to that point, but I suspect that they're not pretty. And I suspect that your recovery needed a lot of hard work and committment on your part.
All of us here have sank pretty low, and we all lost various things and people - some permanantly and some temporarily. The one thing we all lost was our integrity though, and I think that's the thing that hurts the most. When I finally realised that I just couldn't trust myself to behave in line with my own conscience and moral code. That I'd become someone I hated.
Now I reckon that finding a bunch of papers out of the blue that detailed all that stuff that I did and said back then would have knocked me for six as well. But I suppose I'd have remember also how far I've come since then. And not many people manage that.
So. Congratulations on all you achieved over the last 5 years. Congratulations on being there for your kids today. And well done for reaching out.
*Hugs*
BB
PS Maybe see if there is an NA meeting nearby today