Old 11-01-2017, 06:58 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
mrrryahj
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by Serenity09 View Post
Hi there,

I am sitting here, in my empty house and caught myself thinking about the upcoming weekend. Last weekend I assaulted someone I cared about while intoxicated and now this weekend I feel like I should go out and just show people that I can have one beer or I can be out at the bars and not drink at all. This is a lie I have told myself over and over because the second I get there and hear the loud music and feel the vibe of the room I order a double and after three sips I get another. Dealing with the obvious social consequences of assault and having reflected back on a lot of the things I have done while drunk in terms of the social world all I can feel and recognize is a massive blanket of rejection. I have apologized meaningfully but nothing will ever take that back and they want nothing to do with me moving forward. I don't know where to start in fixing anything in terms of everything that I have done. It's like a massive hoarding pile you need to sort and you just get depressed looking at everything you have to do. I am already getting the texts asking what my plans are, asking for celebratory drinks for after exams are over and I'm thankful that I have at least made a tiny step and have returned to this site daily since I joined a few days ago. The feelings of shame, rejection and embarrassment are all I can feel right now and I wish they would just disappear. I contemplated going out tonight to just forget about these feelings, as I so often do, but I thought I would post / let it out here instead. Thanks for reading, end of rant haha.
I sooo relate with your title. Shame and embarrassment of so many relapses makes me want to drink. It's so irrational.

Realistically I think the only way you're going to earn back reputational points (and this goes for me too) is by acting different and by acting different over a period of time. We won't get everyone's respect back after one night of staying sober, if we've been acting out for years.

Congrats on coming here instead whoop whoop! Awesome job
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