Originally Posted by
CentralOhioDad 
Good Morning, Mr. MC.
I understand the frustrations in your post, and I also understand what others are saying, as well. Yes, sometimes certain posts 'trigger' others and hence their responses. Things that trigger the most are young children in the care of an alcoholic. I understand the feeling of being attacked in some of the responses. But it was perceived that you had more concern over your daughter leaving than you did with an active AW caregiving a helpless 3 year-old. That's all.
I too, am 'of advanced age' (54), with a 7 year old at home, and an active AW. So, I get it. But I'm not OK with leaving DS with AW, therefor I make sure I am home every night, before 8PM, which is when AW starts to decline and can no longer function as a responsible parent. During the day she is fine.
When I am ready to file for divorce, yes - I will throw every piece of ammunition I have at her, no question about it. She has made poor choices, she has done unimaginable things in the home that endanger the wellbeing of my child - I really don;t care how she feels about it at that point.
You say your health benefits are through her - you can force her to keep at least the children under her benefits. You might have to downsize your residence if there is a divorce - what price is your sanity and the care of the 3y.o?
My suggestion would be go and talk to a lawyer, or several lawyers. Some will do free consults over the phone, some do free consults in person. I talked to 4 of them, 3 of them charged me, but not at their normal hourly rate. I found one I really liked, gathered lots of information from all of them, and feel prepared once the time comes. Don't assume you lose everything because of a divorce. Your AW has a job and benefits - that's a huge plus for you. She also has stable income, also a huge plus. I think you believe you are 'trapped', but with some research and knowledge, you may not be trapped at all. You could probably even get her to contribute towards childcare for the youngster.
Please think about these things, and remember that we come from a good place here - we want to help, guide, educate, and support.
COD
Thanks Ohio . . . but let me say this. My AW is very high functioning. She doesn't deteriorate into sloppy, falling down careless on a regular or predictable schedule. But when she goes . . . hoo boy, strap in.
I get the the 3 year old up and to daycare most mornings, but because of my schedule, I can't do pick up every day - that is AWs province. Again, she's not *usually* sloppy falling down drunk at 5:30pm or 6pm in the evening, but is she legally drunk? (0.08) - my guess is: probably. She's at the point (again) of drinking to prevent going into detox and the physical symptoms of withdrawal. It's maybe 1.5 miles between daycare and home.
I'm home most nights no later than 7 pm. I travel very occasionally - maybe a total of one week per year - on business (and that's unavoidable).
If I throw everything at my wife in a divorce, there is a good chance she could lose her job. It would probably come out that she has a drink every morning just to keep from being ill. And if the consequences of THAT were just contained to HER, then it's not even a problem for me to pull the trigger. But, the consequences of HER losing her job would fall on me (once again) and her children.
But, even if she didn't lose her job . . . the cost of health care for myself is outrageous (I've checked) just because of my age. On my own I wouldn't qualify for any subsidies so I'm paying full out-of-pocket even for an ACA policy.
And then there's the hole we are already in - with unpaid bills from (or due to) rehab stints, etc. . . . which has tanked our credit score. Most landlords in this area will do a credit check before leasing to you, so that cuts down the places, if any, that would be available to me should I move out with the 3 year old. It also makes a refinance of the home impossible.
Like I said: I know my options . . . just that none of them are good options.
MCE Saint