Goodguy.....I echo what hopeful said...and, yes....you do stand by and let it happen.
The things that you did during the relationship that you feel bad about...are typical things that most all of us have done when trying to control a situation---because, we did not understand that we couldn't control it! You were desperately trying to control the alcoholism. Nobody tells us, growing up, that what might work in a normal relationship is completely topsy-turvy in a relationship with an addict.
The helplessness that we feel when we realize that we can't control something...can lead us to try even harder to control it....the helpless feeling causes us extreme psychic discomfort....
You are still in the depth of the ruminating part of the grief process......
One way that you will know that you are moving along the grieving continuum, is when you notice some decreases in the amount of ruminating....it may take several more weeks...***If you call her...it will slam you back, and the ruminating time will take longer....Your choice.....
You may get some relief by beginning to try to compartmentalize the ruminating.....things, like...taking one or two hours at a certain hour, at night...lighting a candle and ruminate your heart out...(the important key to this is...once you start--you must not cut the time short!! For example...if you say that you will ruminate for 45minutes...you have to do it for 45 minutes.
You can change the time to a lower amount, at any time you feel like you need to. (this is also a mini type of wailing wall...not the full out thing)....(this was when I played my tear jerking songs...lol...Ronnie Milsap can make me cry on a dime)....
Another technique is to pretend that your best friend is sitting beside you on the couch (while you are ruminating) and talk to them about these things...out loud....like, the kinds of things that you wrote about in this post....
A couple of points.....of course, the stuff that alcoholics do, all, pretty much, fall into narcissistic behavior. That is why clinicians won't make a concrete diagnosis while a person is not into real treatment for a good period of time.
You must remember that the alcoholic thinking continues for quite a long time....even in treatment...
The brain is still affected...in the physiological sense, for several months after the alcohol consumption ceases. Neuronal function is really warped by the alcohol....
Another thing...we tend to forget that the alcoholic does not remember a lot of what happens when they are drunk....or may remember only sketchy parts of it...While WE have every detail tattooed into our brains!
The pain that you are in, while grieving, is actually the beginning parts of the healing process....every day that you plow through this is another day closer to the end of it.....this is not for nothing...it is part of your healing, in the big picture....