There is a lot on the line with losing my job. My workplace would not be sympathetic. I am looking up the ignition interlock system on the internet and don't know how I am going to keep people from finding out with the camera and everything. I am freaking out right now. I know everyone is going to say that I need to be truthful but I cannot lose my job. I have let everyone down including myself. I have no illusions about my future and drinking. I don't drink period. I am done. If I do I am going to go to jail for a long time or prison or die. And I have to find a way to know that every single minute of the rest of my life. I understand when you say that you haven't been living ready45. I haven't been living either. Even though I just transferred to another job that I like a lot better I was still getting up every day, going to work, coming home, going to bed and getting up again and again... and wondering a lot of the time each morning is this all there is to my life. And can I handle doing it over and over again tomorrow and the next day and the next and all of sudden I will be elderly, and looking back on it. Alone. I just wish I could go back and do any of it over. I've made so many mistakes. Sorry this is just hitting me more and more. How stupid I am.