GoodGuy.....I think that all of these thoughts, questions, and feelings, are normal for where you are, right now.....
When I was going through this...the only clinical term that I can think of to summarize it, is, that, I was a hot blubbering "mess"....
I had a very demanding job, and kids still in the home. I was considered to be a responsible person. OMG--while at work, I had to have a smiling face, and appear to have it all together. I was taking care of other people....
I know that many times, I had people in my office, that I was helping...and, I think that I was worse off than them. If they only knew!
Looking back--I was really bad off for about 6 months....before the tide began to turn in a major way.....By one year later, my life was totally different....
It was about that time that I met, totally unexpectedly, the man that would become my future wonderful husband.....
At your stage,,,I felt like I was an emotional kalidescope(sp?). It felt confusing, painful, and exhausting.
That was when I discovered the wailing wall, for myself. That gave me periods of relief. It helped to externalize the excess negative emotion that I was feeling, inside....
The idea actually came from other religions and cultures who incorporated that technique into the rituals for the grieving.
I had a couple of songs that I used, over and over, that helped me to connect and feel the emotions on an emotional level...outside of the exhausting intellectualizing. I felt like they were a conduit for connecting with my emotions, and, let them flow...to get them out....
(I only listened to them when I knew I was in a "safe" and private place...not when I was expected to have it all together)......
I will give you the links to them...but, don't listen to them unless you are in your own "safe" place......
https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...269b8cea050b79 https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...e1addce6e0af24