Dandylion-
I tried it for a short period of time before I left on my trip. Man did I let loose. However, I was interrupted because I couldn't not take a call related to work. I gathered myself and called them back.
My plan is to do this properly by ensuring I will have no interruptions. It is not an easy thing to do, but I can see why it would be very beneficial. As I stated in my last reply, it is not so much anger as it is sadness and confusion. The self blame is hard to move past, and is always on my mind as of now.
Even if I do this, and it helps to straighten my thoughts, I am still wondering what the future holds. And I still feel very alone. I am wondering why she called...what could she possibly want? I get the feeling it isn't anything regarding positive emotion towards me. This is why I didn't answer. However, I still am wondering if she feels anything at all towards me, or if this send off was all just an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do...run, blame, replace.
It has now been one month and 10 days, and I am not really in a better place, but the questions you have all had me ponder have definitely helped to stand back and reanalyze what is/was really going on. It seems like many people who deal with similar situations end up looking back and saying "thank god," but I still wish she would have been reasonable and tried to work through guilt, any hardship in the relationship she may have felt, and worked on recovery with me as her number one supporter.
Being home made me break down today, and realize just how traumatic someone doing such a thing truly is. I did have a great trip, but that is just a bandaid. Reality is still so unclear, yet I am a clear headed person, which makes me think about how difficult being an addict truly is. The constant internal fight, the choices that seem right in the moment, but may not be in the long term, or even choices that only benefit them, and leave zero empathy for others in their wake (no offense to other active alcoholics). It truly is a disease of the highest caliber, like cancer, and when mixed with other personality issues, it just is a freight train to disaster. I hate thinking that she may be happier with someone else, but I do know that it isn't as pure and genuine as we were. They met out of tragedy, and lied and ruined lives to bring themselves together. Any rational person would likely question if this is a good idea, just as all her family and friends have done, including me. The thorn in the side is that the mother of her is truly turning against me, telling her daughter she is making the best choice for her. Paying for things for her, when she outright said she is using her mother. If I were the parent, I would be incredibly skeptical of anything she says or does after what happened. It seems as though the "blood is thicker than water" idea runs true, even if the person despises you, or treats you terribly and lies about you. I feel bad for the mother because shes in a predicament...don't help and lose your daughter, help her, and she doesn't learn any responsibility or self love and you may still lose her. I have no hard feelings towards the family, but I don't like knowing that the mom can say to the A-ex that she had to make changes, and particularly with regard to me. That getting rid of me might be the best choice. When I talked to her last, I confronted her on this (kindly), and she told me it simply isnt up to her (the mom). But what I hear from others is her patting the daughter on the back saying your doing good. How can she do this with the disrespect for all involved? How can she financially support her when it is still enabling? I guess I wont know until this all plays out.
I never did wrong to these people, and I only did my best always for the daughter. I get that I may not have been able to put as much time into the relationship during tough times in the PhD program, but hell, I didn't even get to put time into me! This was an acknowledged fact. And all a rational person would have said is "this is tough, and we need to work through some things." I would have made the time, space, and effort...but at this point, the alcohol was dominating.
So here I am again, questioning...knowing I may never get answers. I may never get the "I miss you, love you, and made a mistake." But as you all point out, she isn't emotionally available to do these things. And furthermore, there is minimal self love (other than the narcissistic behavior), but not true self love...because if you don't love yourself, then it shows up in how you treat others.
I still miss her. I wonder what she is doing. And wonder if she thinks of me and our dog, and what our future was to be. But it is more likely she can't even look into these things. Especially with another person to grasp onto.
Just some thoughts of mine... Any thoughts from all of you, or comments, as usual would always be appreciated. Thank you.